once upon a time..

a little boy who loved his robot toys
said to the little girl who loved her dollhouse,

" I love you more than my robots."

The End.

+ @5:30pm

Damn bloody long un-poetic post for a change.

on my way to work i confronted myself.
and these are the few things we spoke about.

1. i've been lethargicly restless these couple of weeks.
highly distracted,
and always procrastinating my chores,
tasks and even things i really want to do.

why?

well, i almost procrastinated answering this question
but i slapped myself silly and this is what i came up with;

I obviously have lost all sense of urgency,
the enthusiasm of fulfilling my greatest ambitions
and i stopped believing.
I stopped believing in myself.
I stopped knowing what i was capable of.
I stopped imagining better tomorrows.
I settled.
I settled for today.
I became contented in being disatisfied.
I settled to be calm, at peace,
and thus i lost the vigour of aggression
and the passion to live for more.

i find myself literally screaming at myself daily
and shutting that scream out at the same time.
today it finally became too loud to shrug off.
today i decided to look within and listen.

and i came up with a list
of what i would like to see myself accomplish
before the year ends.

a. Punctuality - new job begins nov, i'll be a 7am person. and i'll sleep early.

b. Weight Loss - haha. this is forever. but i'll get back to jogging 3 times a week and stop having suppers and unhealthy food.

c. Pet projects - i have so many ideas in my head. i just think about them. thats not enough. i'll make it a point to write them down in a book no matter how lame or absurd. And from there i'll make them happen. Small steps.

d. Money - I'm still in debt but it'll clear off soon. Now with a job i can breathe a little. Just a little, mind you. I haven't been splurging on materials or gadgets. The only thing i do find myself spending on is food, alcohol and ciggs. I've even resorted to coffeshop beer. Think i'll do just fine.

e. Lovers, family and friends - I realise i have spent my entire life putting them first, the best way i can. And through the years i find myself regretting that choice very often. In this aspect of my life, I will stick by the quote:

"Those who matter, don't mind and those who mind, don't matter."

2. This is rather general. I think i've wrote about everything in #1.
But in this point i want to elaborate that i'm still searching for happiness.
No doubt i am happy. I actually don't have much to fuss about lately.
But there is something still bothering me.

The fact that, in search for fulfilment in my life, i know it will be rather empty without someone to share the ups and downs with me. I know this sounds corny but i want to be with somebody. Not that i am looking or i expect anything from anyone i might be seeing now. I know if its love, there is no doubt about it.

I fell in love with someone.
She rejuvenated the feelings i felt when i first ever fell in love.
She made me less skeptic and she made me say those 3 sacred words to her.
And then it got complicated due to outside influences and i almost begged her to leave the crowd behind and disappear with me.

But i did not. I took my leave and i walked away.
Nothing changed, i just walked away hoping she might catch up sooner or later.
But weeks passed and i grew to believe that i was just another, just a vision of temporary love she could forget.

To my surprise she caught up. She ridiculed me for thinking that she did not love me. And she said many many things that mirrored my thoughts about her. The feeling was amazingly mutual. And for once i got someone to love me without trying at all.

So what's wrong you might ask.

I don't believe it. Coz its good.
Too good. And i've been feeling the green monster in me.
And dramatically it feels like the song, No Me Ames where i am Marc Anthony.

*ahem*

And she is the high flying J.Lo,
who prolly will sing the song with me for like that 5 minutes
but she has alot of things to do, people to entertain
and all i am is a talented singer with lyrics of a dying man
who doesn't want to be loved,
waiting for a second song, a different song.
I find myself silently vying for her attention.
Maybe i haven't loved for a while.
But if this ain't love then i dunno what love is.

Ouh and how I can feel all these things
that causes turmoils and collisions in my mind, heart and soul
and it will all disappear when she is in front of me,
what more when she smiles.

After saying so much,
I have learnt that its easy for smt to change within seconds.
And people sometimes forget that actions speaks louder than words.
And somehow i am jinxed each time i get overly hyped on smt,
it usually ends up just breaking me apart.

In conclusion, I am stronger now.
Wiser maybe but still intentionally foolish.
I don't want to stop believing that
with every failure i am actually getting closer to the win.
Some have it easy,
some have it harder
and some go through indescribable,
unimaginable amounts of pain
and what nots to get there.

Right now, i have nothing to complain about.
Its all good.
And i'm gonna make sure things will only get better even when life knocks me down.
I won't pretend i am someone with no feelings and that its easy to be strong.
I won't pretend i am not silly or stupid, and that i am not flawed.
But what I will do and what i've been trying to do is to be honest with myself,
and people around me.

Strangely, hideous monsters are brewing inside me waiting for me to explode.
So they can come out and play. I hope i don't ever get that broken.
Though these days, I am spotting a few hair line cracks.

if u read all the way here,
i might mean smt to you.
thanks =)
and dun worry, i'm okay.