I gotta learn to say no.
Gotta learn to stop thinking so much.
And feeling all of the wrong things at the wrong time.
I'm not a wreck. But I am not sailing on the calmest of seas.
Anyway, I've decided to do something about one of my problems.
Coz I just won't do with me whining about it any longer.
Let's just bear in mind that there is no problem we cannot make better,
solving it is a different story altogether. It takes time, as we all learn in time,
sometimes the easy way, and sometimes not so.
On a random note, loneliness can be rather nauseating at times.
i miss that question especially coming from someone who really wants to know.
my colleague asked her boyfriend that while accompanying me have dinner earlier on.
and he mumbled or just shook his head to say that it was "same old, same old stuff."
and i recalled how i'd ask that question and usually we'd end up talking for hours.
to sometimes irrelevant subjects and we laugh, we debate, we encourage and sometimes disagree.
i miss having that someone who'd wanna talk to me like that. and only me.
well, anyhow, i have a blog so here goes.
i had a horrid day at work today.
it feels rather asthmatic to a point i was breathing in hard before i spoke to anyone.
and the rate ppl were communicating with me, it was like tennis balls one after the other.
the calls, the emails, the personal visits to my open cubicle and this came simultaneously at times.
but one good thing i learnt from this was not to involve emotions with work.
the job needs to get done i will ensure it, but now that i'm home and i have time to think.
i feel its not right. but i'll handle this. and i will only handle it well. my way =)
i went to the gym after staying late at work again.
gym was good. if it was nearer and it was mine i'd go everyday after work.
i had mcdonalds after that though to pamper myself coz of what happened at work.
and on the way home i bought milk and i smoked a ciggaratte.
and then the day ended well.
sometimes my thoughts are so ridiculous i have taken into silencing them.
and now that i have grown silent i feel that i should make believe a perfect life.
and i become so engrossed in my made believe life so much so i became a liar.
a really good one, a professional, no longer the amateur.
until i stumble upon the truth.
and the truth is, its all happening in my head.
no one hears me, and no one knows, because..
sometimes my thoughts are so ridiculous i have taken into silencing them.
I have been thinking alot. I can't pen it down, its too many thoughts. I will be back to try to summarise them all. But for now, just know they're good thoughts.
so i have been working 12 days straight.
i dunno if these are symptoms but well..
the other morning on my way to work i felt faint..
my vision was clouded with white, pink and blue and
i held on to the handle for dear life, taking deep breaths,
and refraining from totally blacking out coz that'd be so embarassing.
yesterday i was supposed to go to Play but I fell aslp.
At 930pm, while watching TV, and my granma was talking to me,
and I was just waiting to leave the house, on my my granma's bed.
They didn't wake me up though my phone rang a few times,
which oddly enough I didn't hear coz they said I was snoring.
And according to them, I only snore when I am very tired.
I woke up at 3am to say sorry to my friends. And went back to sleep.
And I still felt sleepy at work.
Right now I am refraining from getting too close to my bed.
I know in 3 breaths I will sleep like a baby till next morning.
And as much as I would like that, I have work to do.
3 traits i have been in my past 24 years of life.
something i really have to and want to change.
i am slowly but surely grasping the life concept i like right.
that tomorrow may slip away, so while i might be chasing tomorrows,
i should remember to live for today. you get it?
like somethings you can put off, somethings you can't.
like telling your loved ones or someone you love them
and how much you care doesn't need an occasion or the right time.
things like i have to take a degree and buy a house,
well this can wait till you have the means to do so.
but things like, i have to travel the world and see more and do more.
this can't wait. this you live for, this you chase after.
and if it requires working to get the money to do what you've always wanted,
then do it. coz that's what i'm doing.
i wanna be very happy. i'm still learning how to be.
the more i dream of you, the closer i get to the end.
it felt like we were at a mutual friend's party, it was a feeling but i cannot be too sure.
you were sitting two booths away facing me yet you were blocked by some bloke in a jacket.
how do i know? Well, i was stealing glances of you, sometimes i see your hair, sometimes i see your lips.
there was a conversation going on at my table but i appear distracted by your presence.
i do not know if it shows but i was not enjoying myself. i needed your attention.
so i got up, knowing how you will never notice me, to leave the room for fresh air outdoors.
as i passed by your table, i saw you in your black dress, you've lost some weight and you were radiant.
i kept walking, you'd never notice me. you shouldn't. you're no good for me and i knew that clearly.
i sat on the steps outside and i caught a glimpse of you walking out the door but i kept my head down.
you walked right pass me and i heard a smooching sound.
your like for someone else who was waiting for you outside.
i hung my head lower and i heard your footsteps drawing near.
i assumed it would be too painful to hear what you had to say so i force myself up and out of the dream.
i wonder what you would have said to me if i let my dream continue.
i can only imagine you breaking my heart again.
i want 48 hours in a day instead of 24 hours.
i spend 9 hours in the office. sometimes make that 10 hours getting to and fro and OT.
i sleep for well lets put it at 8 hours and pretend i do get to sleep that much.
18 hours of my day is gone leaving me with 6 hours to spare.
and in this 6 hours i try to see a bit of my family, sometimes a friend, and some personal time.
for instance today, i spent 3 hours on tumblr. and then i watched some TV and tried to do some work.
its not enough. nah uh. i want 48 hours. i need 48 hours.
so i can take naps in between. so i can get drunk and still have time for a hangover.
so i can can spend more time talking and planning and creating and writing.
and singing and dancing and laughing and crying and make the world a better place.
don't you think that life is too short?
what would you do if you had more time?
what would you say if you tomorrow was your last?
what would you do? how would it all be different?
sometimes i am tempted to live with that mindset.
i'll tell the people i love them and what they really mean to me more freely.
without fearing that they'd think me weird or clingy.
i'll do the things i wanna do and have no qualms about regrets
because there won't be time for that.
if it makes me so darn happy, why can't i just go and do it?
why can't i just say it? why am i so afraid?
money is important, but i really wish it didn't have to play such a crucial part in my life.
o well. i'm trying, i guess i'll have to try much harder.
maybe its because i'm not awesome enough, that's why you're not here.
maybe its because, i put on weight and pimples start growing on my face, that's why you're not here.
maybe its because i don't hold your hand right, or kiss you at the right time at the right places,
that's why you're not here.
and there are a million other reasons i can come up with, that's why you're not here.
reasons which constantly puts me down, reasons i hate you for, reasons i can't get my head of you, reasons that cripples me, reasons that make me wanna hide from the world, reasons that make me want to cry and hurt myself, reasons that make me doubt my self worth, reasons that are bad for me,
but i can only think of one good one.
maybe its because you're not here yet,
that's why you're not here.
unexpectedly i had fish soup for lunch and dinner.
chocolate lava cake and hazelnut(ella) for dessert.
i came home and hubaba said she cooked my fave dish.
rawr. and i can't have it. now i'm sad. i might throw a tantrum.
i think one of the reasons why i blog so much is because
internet doesn't have temperaments like people do.
I don't have to sugar coat anything, i can swear and i can pour out my feelings,
i can be enigmatic, eccentric, crazy, quirky, awesome or retarded.
and it allows me to be without jurisdiction.
i need slp. i don't feel too good.
i want to cry. gdnite.
I dreamt of you again today. You were my neighbour.
I caught you looking at me so I decided to welcome you to the neighbourhood.
And you said you were hungry, so I went back home and scooped up some fish soup
I had in the kitchen. As I walked pass by your window, you were reading a book.
And when I got to your door, I smiled at you and the fish soup turned into a whole pizza.
Your brother who is now much taller and he is now walking in my dream, took it away happily.
And you looked at me. And I looked at you. And then I guess I woke up, in the dark,
and what bugs me the most is that you're no longer here.
Yes, they might have caused blood clots in my brain,
therefore I am unable to think as well as you non-smokers.
But its not easy to quit I tell you, so recognise the effort.
Chewing gums. I need chewing gums and lots of distractions.
And its best if I don't have smokers around me. Its like a betrayal.
Rawr.
Can someone please explain why I want to attempt something so ERGH like to EVER quit smoking?
Okay. I know. (No, I don't. Explain. Pft.)
So, I did go see her. And was all smiles.
I wrote a note coz I chickened out in smooth talking.
Note read: I think you're pretty cool. Text me?
And I left my number behind. Mmhmm. Its lame. I know.
I just have to do it larr. Else it'll bug me. So no regrets there.
And nope, she has not texted me. And I am not surprised.
Prolly think I am psycho. Or too silly.
If I see her in the streets again, I'd lie and say that my friends dared me.
Why I have to lie, I don't know. But, yeah I don't know.
But its not a big deal. I still think she is cool.
I guess I shld prolly start keeping it to myself next time I meet someone cool like that.
Anyway, I had an awesome time tonight =)
Ended work early, went to meet Eliza for a bit.
Go pass the girl that note and then had beer, chix wings, pizza.
Then went to meet Nana and her friends for fireworks.
Fireworks was REALLY good. EPIC AWESOME!
And then we danced, danced, danced. It was all good.
the one night i finally decided to swear off dating/flirting/talking to girls..
the one night i decide, no more socialising, no more hoping someone's gonna come..
the one night i decide, i'm good on my own, i need no one, no one's interested in any way, anyway..
the one night, and then she tells me, "I love your jacket."
And I'm all smittened.
She asked me,"How old are you?"
And I can't wait for the next time she comes by the table.
She gestures the two thumbs up, and i gestured my thumbs up.
And I want to tell her how awesome it is to have her attention.
Shit. I am terribly silly.
Because at the end of the night, when I really really wanted to make a move,
I didn't. Because, yes, I was afraid.
But on the cab ride home, I was filled with regret.
And it doesn't matter if she was doing her job,
it doesn't matter if she felt like being nice just that night,
I want to talk to her again.
And I will do so tomorrow.
I mean, today.
Let's hope she is working.
The new year might just be awesome.
got to work about 7 minutes late.
i haven't been once more than 12 minutes late to the office.
i find that pretty impressive. well, they don't think so.
imma try to be earlier than 9am for the whole month of January.
anyway, work is work. so much work. but i think i kinda got it.
i think i am doing pretty okay. much to learn. but i'm okay.
went to the library to return my long overdued book.
and paid my fine. and i ended up borrowing 4 books.
very very good looking, interesting, i-just-can't-wait-to-read books.
Herzog by Saul Bellow
Its about a guy called Moses Herzog losing his mind.
Mister B. Gone by Clive Barker
I picked it up because of the cover and once I opened it, it reads:
" BURN THIS BOOK. Go on. Quickly, while there's still time. Burn it."
Samedi the Deafness by Jesse Ball
Its about a guy called James Sim who one morning discovers a man stabbed in the chest.
His last words were, "Samedi." The novel will unravel the mystery behind the word and what happened.
A box of Matches by Nicholson Baker
How cute is this book? I have no clue what it's about. LOL.
Okay so after the library I bought myself another Monologue notebook
to act as my 2010 scheduler/organiser/doodlebook/writewhatever.
And then I went to meet Eggtart to share my milk cholate chip cookies.
I had dinner with myself. I played with my knife and fork pretending they were
characters at war. And then I walked home.
I wrote a few things down. Resolutions. Mmhmm.
I got 10 of them.
Lose 10 kg or get real skinny. Whichever looks satisfactory to me.
Save at least $5k by end of the 2010.
Learn to play the guitar, at least basic strum and sing.
Travel. Redang, Bangkok or somewhere nice.
Enrol for Spanish lessons.
Quit smoking. (I know right? At least try.)
Work on pet projects. At least one good one for comp or showcase.
Make plans to get a degree.
Get car and bike license.
Make plans to get my first ride.
Ambitious you think? I don't think so.
Most of them have been long overdued.
2010, I will make sure they all come true.
Nothing and no one will/can stop me.
I can't stop thinking.
But I would like pizza, booze and a familiar face this new year.
But I have a feeling its gonna be just me or a bunch of madness.
I don't mind it either way. But.. yeah.
I don't mind it either way.
I had smt else I had wanted to say, but i figured its stupid.
I went back to sleep instead.
Got up in time to watch the last part of SG Idol.
I wanted Sylvia to win. One coz she is pretty.
Two coz she sang most of my fave songs well.
Three coz I am bias, So what?
my eye is swollen,again.
so i skipped work, and i skipped sunday altogether.
might go out to get me a 2010 scheduler later.
but we'll see. i wanna complete one project first.
then go for a nice long run. then i'll consider going out.
the strong hands of past is clutching onto me. i need to be stronger to break free.
the only bad thing was they said i was like a little rotten kid wailing at the end.
obviously i don't remember anything at all last night, as always.
but i am guessing its the pain of barfing even when there was nothing left.
well, everyone had their naughty and nice stories to tell(or not) from last night.
i had fun =)
Avatar at Vivo later with the company.
My virgin Gold Class experience.
'tis the season to be jolly(fat), fa la la, la la, la la la la.
2 boxes of J.Co donuts only less than a metre away from me.
I can smell 'em from here. Just the smell makes me full.
I feel like barfing Xmas puke all over somoene.
Hmm.. Xmas juice.. Hmm.. Donuts..
This year I am really Squid Claus.
Got tummy to show for it.
twenty ten makes thirty one a long awaited number.
guess what just came in for me?
seventeen dollars worth of epic dope addictive milk chocolate biscuits.
you have to trust me on this. they literally melt in your mouth. they don't ever fill you up.
and the sweetness of the rich milk silky (fuck me now and fuck me good) chocolates linger,
wherever they can, on your tongue, up on your temples, in your throat, in your brain..
and they'd love to cling onto that heart, if only it wasn't missing.
chocolates to start the new year, and we know i'm off to a phat start. (pun intended)
tomorrow the colleagues plan to get pissed drunk at some club
and stagger into the office the next morning for xmas eve.
i don't think that's wise but something tells me i'm not gonna be too smart tomorrow.
say hello to cheap drunks trying to have a good time.
and the dreadful awakening to yet another empty morning.
Equivocality is an addiction I refuse to seek help for.
you know you're damaged when you say stuff like that.
anyway, i finally got down to buying the xmas exchange gift,
and i personally think its brilliant, charming and awesome.
i'd be happy to receive such an endearing, gorgeous, thoughtful present.
Hello Mister Self Praise =)
No I don't think of it as a rebound.
Even if it is, I am not going to act on it.
Something about her still gets to me.
Something comforting about what she says.
Something delightful about her touch.
Well she doesn't have to know.
My heart is still in blisters so..
I don't know. I kinda like the way things are now.
Well, no, not really but well you know what I mean.
Let me tell you what's gonna happen this week.
I know it might sound absurd and yes you have heard this too many times.
But...
I HAVE NEVER FELT SO FAT IN MY LIFE.
They're talking to me but they're not telling me how they got here.
I don't remember stuffing my face, I remember even halfing what i eat.
But one thing I have to admit is, it might be coz of the sleeping pattern,
the fact that i now eat breakfast and that I don't jog as often as i do.
I don't wanna usher in the new year as a fat ass. Nah-uh.
Ouh, this week has potential to be friggin awesome +)
Have a great week people!
I have this stronge urge to isolate myself,
that is, if I have not done so already.
Besides work and home, i feel misplaced anywhere else.
It feels like I am writing my own melancholic art film.
The kind where the colours are bright but perfectly grainy.
the kind where the soundtrack moves one, to tears,
or to download the song so they can put it on repeat in their mp3 players.
As much as I will like to see the credits on the dark screen appear soon,
I am afraid to acknowledge its ending.
I wish I could pen down the subtle chaos troubling my mind in a more positive-minded fluency.
But I am cursed to be depressingly eloquent, thus condemned to melodramatic proses.
The only reason I might want to isolate myself is only because,
I am too ashamed to walk with my head high any longer,
I am too disgusted with what I have become,
I am too disappointed with what I have not done and have done.
I am undeserving, unworthy and have become relentlessly unhopeful.
When you sit in that office cubicle, with newfound familiar faces,
when work overwhelms you, you have no capacity to think about anything else,
and then with an accidental click, you chance upon one thing that changes everything.
and the familiar faces, they fade away, and all you see is the face you no longer get to see.
the only familiar face you've been resisting, the only familiar face you want.
and then it hits you that the face is fading away in your memories.
as much as you don't want to, something within moved your fingers.
And you click on it, and you heaved a sigh of relief.
"There you are. I know you're still here."
And so you say to a picture.
Slow down, Lie down,
Remember it's just you and me.
Don't sell out, bow out,
Remember how this used to be.
I just want you closer,
Is that alright?
Baby let's get closer tonight
[chorus:]
Grant my last request,
And just let me hold you.
Don't shrug your shoulders,
Lay down beside me.
Sure I can accept that we're going nowhere,
But one last time let's go there,
Lay down beside me
Oh, I've found, that I'm bound
To wander down that one way road.
And I realise all about your lies
But I'm no wiser than the fool I was before.
I just want you closer,
Is that alright?
Baby let's get closer tonight
[chorus]
Oh, baby, baby, baby,
Tell me how can, how can this be wrong?
Lets just accept the fact that nothing is about to get any better any time soon.
And I will harbor suicidal thoughts for the next few months to come.
And I won't be able to get her off my head, my dreams, my daily slurr and what nots.
And just fucking accept the fact that I am not well.
And yes, I let this almost destroy me.
Wait, I am destroyed.
Regret? No, not really.
What am I talking about?
What exactly am I trying to put across?
I don't know anymore.
But if you put a gun to my head.
Or if the world was ending and I had an hour or so left.
Or if I drank some super drink that gave me guts.
I will fucking tell her that,
I'm sorry, when i lost you, i lost myself.
You should be with no one else but me.
And i should be all yours. Why you?
Beats me.
All I know is that, I run.
I run so far away, everyday.
Only to turn back, and I still,
every part of me still,
goes running back to you.
Lets make new memories and make them dreams come true!
So I was feeling rather under the weather from Monday.
I can't believe I headed home straight from work every single day.
Was so sick but I didn't wanna take MC, work is good distraction.
Sick or not sick. And I am not confirmed yet so I don't get paid if i am not there.
Its Saturday, a rather beautiful one.
No more fever and the blasted cold.
Just a bit of a phlegm-ful cough.
But better, much better.
Something definitely to smile about.
So today I intend to pucker up and shine.
And make a total of one hundred and seventy dollars.
And run two point five kilometres.
And watch How I Met Your Mother.
And pretend I am Peter Parker.
I miss the girl I met on 26th September.
I miss her eyes, the way they looked at me.
I miss the way she wants to be assured that I never looked away.
I miss her laughter, her smile, her happiness.
Most importantly I miss the feeling of hope and love she instilled within me.
Now the girl is nowhere to be found, I am only surrounded by monsters.
And I have turned into one of them. Just a monster, with no jurisdiction of order.
In total chaos muffled by heavy silence, my pain is bountiful.
Mock at this melancholic tale of yet another attempt at love.
To you,
What happened to us? What happenned to you? What happened to me?
I am not sorry for what I have done. It means nothing to me.
It is nothing compared to what you have done knowingly or unknowingly to me.
However, the victim here is not me. Though I feel that it might be near impossible to recover.
One day you will find someone who will be able to love you the way you need to be love.
Right now, this definitely isn't love.
This is your delusion. My hallucination.
I will kill every love that beats in my heart for you.
Congratulations. No one have broken me so bad.
Bravo.
i find myself in tears.
and its getting hard to breathe.
but the lines won't stop coming.
and the acts keeps getting better.
i laugh. i laugh so hard.
my vessels burst through my knees.
i fall. i laugh even harder.
and the excruciating pain tickles my heart.
killing the beat and tearing it apart.
i roll over. my arms cradling my knees.
immersed in my own pool of blood i laugh my last.
i wish i could be there with mcgriddles in the morning.
and fish and co at lunch. just because you deserve to be smiling your biggest today.
for what it is worth, i wish that all your wishes come true.
i wish you happiness, peace and love, the kind you deserve.
and i wish you have a better year ahead.
and i wish that you rid yourself of all the pain and hurt you've been feeling.
and i wish that you get answers to your unanswered questions.
and i wish you get everything you want eventually.
what i've learnt is that,
it makes it easier to overcome problems when you're brutally honest with yourself.
anyway, after work we had long john silvers, watched new moon,
walked from marina square to clarke quay with a drink in hand of course,
and had supper at the Burger King bar and then chilled by the river.
Best thing was we each took a Night Rider home. Cute.
imma watch new moon tonight.
not exactly how i imagined it would be.
i was supposed to be watching it with [insert text here].
but that couldn't happen somehow.
the stars weren't aligned for us to be happier together.
i will leave it as that. strangely enough, i am happier now.
but at the same time, i don't know me anymore.
*shrugs*
looking forward to meeting norica tomorrow.
its been too long. (hello bf!)
i think i kinda fatten up over the past few months.
imma go to the gym with david on mondays and wednesdays starting next week.
ouh and imma enrol for driving classes on saturday.
ouh and i am very broke. so ya.
laptop and singtel and [insert text here] wants my money.
*sobs*
while i was walking home, i smiled to myself.
in hand i was carrying 3 new shirts i bought.
i really like them. and i felt sharp and ready to take on the world.
i dreamt of the steps i will take and where i could be.
and then i reached home to the happy faces greeting me.
teasing me for making such a purchase after getting my first paycheck.
and then i saw a debt that amounted to a ridiculous amount.
my heart sank. i switched on my laptop and there was a loud continuous beep.
my heart sank even lower. wait a minute? what heart?
tonight i feel jinxed. tonight i struggle to fight off the monsters stealing my last breath of hope.
i'm tired. and i haven't been myself.
myself was the smiley fool walking home happily.
only to get crush by the stupidity of sick reality.
of course tmr i'll only know how to move forward.
of course tmr i'll only know how to make things better.
of course tmr i will fail to give up coz i know i can do so much more.
but tonite i falter, tonite i am not that soldier.
yay wednesday. time will pass by speedily at work.
it always does. and my heart sometimes jump out of my shirt.
it does a little bloody dance and it comes back in.
i die a few times a day. i'm getting quite used to it.
i am very easy to destroy.
that's why i am always in my shell.
its just that sometimes people make me so angry,
i turn a different colour, a dark shade of purple and dark blue spots.
on a rough leather texture that wraps as my skin.
and horns and thorns extrude from my body,
some sharper some blunt, creating a hideous mess.
and my jaws they open up with foul ghoulish breath,
with slime filled teeth potential to tear heads off bodies in half a millisecond.
and my eyes, they are huge, they are bloodshot, and they're staring.
and my claws, yellow and chipped hanging from my limbs.
as i heaved and grunt, the anger wells up into my eyes only to form tears.
bloody diamonds flowing down my monstrous complexion.
and thats all i have. and thats all i am able to do. and thats as angry as angry gets.
that i would be good even if i did nothing
that i would be good even if i got the thumbs down
that i would be good if i got and stayed sick
that i would be good even if i gained ten pounds
that i would be fine even if i went bankrupt
that i would be good if i lost my hair and my youth
that i would be great if i was no longer queen
that i would be grand if i was not all knowing
that i would be loved even when i numb myself
that i would be good even when i'm overwhelmed
that i would be loved even when i was fuming
that i would be good even if i was clingy
that i would be good even if i lost sanity
that i would be good whether with or without you
i woke up at 7 am with a sharp pain in my throat.
it was so painful i teared not coz i wanted to.
just because it was hitting nerves that causes tears.
okay fine, it was very painful. and i couldn't talk.
like a bad dream.
i walked around the house hoping someone could help.
i was also hoping for an instant cure, my delusional habit.
i was still sleepy so in the midst of the search i fell aslp.
got up again and the pain was raging mad, i groaned in pain.
i finally manage to get some attention and a few worried faces.
but the pain, oh gawd the pain.
due to the fact that i am fucking intelligent,
and thanks to the pain that i really didn't wanna feel anymore.
i popped 2 drowsy meds. i think it was for some other ailment.
but it brilliantly help me felt groggy the entire day.
couldn't go to work. and i slept in. till 7pm.
the pain is halved. and i am hungry.
and also, in the midst of all that pain there was a soul,
a certain individual i can't help but crave attention from.
but to no avail. and i'd say that the rejection hurts more.
"No one's there for me." she says.
And since I am no one I should start behaving like one.
I need to rethink my life. Something's amiss.
there comes a point in life where you just don't know where or how the next step should be or look like.
i know i should show myself the way. i know its my life and the choices are all mine no matter what and how they are portrayed. and i know that if i don't love myself no one will. and as much as i want to tell myself everything is alright, i shouldn't believe in such a lie and face up to what's really happening and deal with it.
i haven't been talking to many people these days.
not even the close ones i used to pour my heart to.
coz these days i don't know what i'm listening to anymore.
and i can't hear myself too clearly. what am i trying to say?
i took a look at the bright side and it blinded me. so i stepped back into the dark side, and i got lost. so i said to myself, "close your eyes and feign death." and i did. i died.
you can't force smt if it is not what it is.
its so hard maybe coz its not meant to be.
and we're frustrated, well i was frustrated,
coz i tried and i keep pushing and pulling.
you were right. i might have made promises
i can only dream of keeping.
and you deserve to be happy.
and you know you can't be happy with me.
i'm sorry i said all those things.
it was in a fit of anger and exasperation.
and right now, i just want to be happy.
and i hope you get your happiness soon.
and to you who told me to fuck off.
i'm sure thats what friends do these days huh?
i need nothing. i need no one.
yes. i will fuck off. goodbye.
thought you coming back was a good thing.
the world was rooting for you.
then i see things you said i was assuming.
i wasn't. you're not stupid. i'm not too.
well maybe you are a little.
coz you're losing me.
wait, u lost me.
never ever.
going thru this again.
so accept me walking away this time.
i hope one of the many works out for you.
and i hope you learn to be happy again.
in the meantime, forget me.
because if you don't you're bound to miss me.
because you definitely did. by a heartbeat or two.
i will not be there for you.
i will not love you.
and you cannot expect anything from me.
and i am no longer that safety net you envisioned.
my final advise to you,
"Love yourself before you expect others to do it for you.
Cause no matter how hard they try it'll never be enough."
on a random more impt note,
i haven't completed my work.
i'll sleep for an hour and get up
and try to get 2 more hours of work done.
figured i'm better off focusing on work.
should have figured this out a long time ago.
this week i will work on quitting stupid.
i'm too smart to be this stupid.
is not the comfiest bed i've slept on.
but it is my bed. and i miss it today.
i've been missing it for 5 days.
i can't sleep. i can't sleep. (i can't sleep).
already i am ignoring the broken promises made.
and rejected politely the half open eye offer to share a bed.
and for some strange reason my heart is beating too hard.
like its trying to break down my ribs to jump out for dear life.
i can't wait for november to be over.
but i don't want december to come either.
can we just fast forward to january?
february will be okay as well.
i am sick. i do not feel well.
i need to be alone.
and i need to stop growing fat,
and stop trying to look like a scrawny panda.
For those who can't give a fuck.
Don't waste your time reading something you can't understand.
For those you do give a fuck.
Go check a dictionary if you don't understand or just fucking call me.
For those who are fucked.
Well if u haven't fucked my life yet, you're welcome to try.
This offer is available till end of this year.
Coz next year. I'm the one who will be fucking you.
I'm hurt.
And the pain is intense.
You're hurt too.
And that magnifies my pain.
I'm walking away.
If you know whats good for you,
catch up.
If you're fucking stupid,
slow down.
If you're worth it,
I'll wait.
Problem is, I've been waiting for a long time.
And I have ran out of patience.
And I have turned mediocre.
So pardon me while i take a step forward.
As slowly as I can.
No, as slowly as i cannot.
Because, I badly want you to catch up.
Wisen up, catch up.
i can finally say it.
and i really feel it.
no work is not bad.
work is pretty alright.
i'm getting my way around it.
i kinda like how it occupies me.
distracts me. requires me to give it my utmost attention.
i like what i am gonna wear tmr.
grey shirt i got from G2000 and my black skinnies with my fave shoe of the moment.
i've been having bad hair days since monday. but its okay.
i really like what i'm gonna wear tmr.
ya.
the wind in your hair as you serenade me with song,
i get lost in your eyes.
i like to believe they sparkle for me.
i like to believe a lot of things.
mmhmmm.
okay i shld be in dreamland by now. need to be up at 7am.
i'm kinda excited about work tomorrow. time to start afresh and make smt more of me.
well, at least be a good employee. mm. i'm wearing green tmr =)
today my failure made me learn 2 things.
firstly, that i still need to get use to failing admirably,
and secondly, there are people who want to be there for me.
so i did not celebrate halloween, but thats okay.
just because she said,
"..you are awesome, halloween or not."
failure won't get me so easily next time around.
chin up, soldier! =)
i'm just waiting for all the money to come in.
so i can pay off all the debts,
then its hello to:
1. Driving license.
2. Spanish lessons.
3. Some sort of sport/martial arts lesson.
4. Guitar/Keyboard lessons.
And i'll make time for more exhibitions.
And i'll make time for more shows and plays.
And i'll make time for more events and parties.
And i'll make time for more self-improvement.
And i'll make time for more of me.
Ouh and travel.
And volunteer work.
And pet projects.
And sitting around doing absolutely nothing.
I miss sitting on grass,
in the shade on a slightly sunny day,
laughing at the clouds.
I miss holding her hands whenever I wanted to.
I miss knowing what was definitely mine.
For all the things i miss, i'm sure i'll get it right this time.
"Happiness comes as soon as you learn to smile for yourself.. - Squid"
what is required of me?
i've said all there is to say.
how does the entire world affect you,
drastically.
and i don't make a difference to you.
and i tried. gawd, i tried.
when words and actions don't tally.
tell me how i should believe.
i was happier when my feelings were hidden.
and i loved you from afar.
judge me, i don't care.
get mad that i can't understand.
that i can't stay and that i'm not perfect.
i painted love with pretty colours,
but you could only see in black and white.
what is required of me?
nothing.
because in nothing, i give more.
the idea is to sleep before 3am and be up between 6am to 7am. I will be a morning person successfully by the end of this week.
To know you is to love you You're everywhere I go And everybody knows To love you is to be part of you I've paid for you with tears And swallowed all my pride
I'll take my chance on a beautiful stranger.
- Beautiful Stranger, Madonna.
+ @ 11:45am
i failed waking up but i did manage slping before 3am. which is not an easy thing to do, trust me.
slpy. and its raining. and all i wanna be is still. and all i wanna be is quiet.
(yawns.)
snap back to reality squid. there is so much to do.
a little boy who loved his robot toys said to the little girl who loved her dollhouse,
" I love you more than my robots."
The End.
+ @5:30pm
Damn bloody long un-poetic post for a change.
on my way to work i confronted myself. and these are the few things we spoke about.
1. i've been lethargicly restless these couple of weeks. highly distracted, and always procrastinating my chores, tasks and even things i really want to do.
why?
well, i almost procrastinated answering this question but i slapped myself silly and this is what i came up with;
I obviously have lost all sense of urgency, the enthusiasm of fulfilling my greatest ambitions and i stopped believing. I stopped believing in myself. I stopped knowing what i was capable of. I stopped imagining better tomorrows. I settled. I settled for today. I became contented in being disatisfied. I settled to be calm, at peace, and thus i lost the vigour of aggression and the passion to live for more.
i find myself literally screaming at myself daily and shutting that scream out at the same time. today it finally became too loud to shrug off. today i decided to look within and listen.
and i came up with a list of what i would like to see myself accomplish before the year ends.
a. Punctuality - new job begins nov, i'll be a 7am person. and i'll sleep early.
b. Weight Loss - haha. this is forever. but i'll get back to jogging 3 times a week and stop having suppers and unhealthy food.
c. Pet projects - i have so many ideas in my head. i just think about them. thats not enough. i'll make it a point to write them down in a book no matter how lame or absurd. And from there i'll make them happen. Small steps.
d. Money - I'm still in debt but it'll clear off soon. Now with a job i can breathe a little. Just a little, mind you. I haven't been splurging on materials or gadgets. The only thing i do find myself spending on is food, alcohol and ciggs. I've even resorted to coffeshop beer. Think i'll do just fine.
e. Lovers, family and friends - I realise i have spent my entire life putting them first, the best way i can. And through the years i find myself regretting that choice very often. In this aspect of my life, I will stick by the quote:
"Those who matter, don't mind and those who mind, don't matter."
2. This is rather general. I think i've wrote about everything in #1. But in this point i want to elaborate that i'm still searching for happiness. No doubt i am happy. I actually don't have much to fuss about lately. But there is something still bothering me.
The fact that, in search for fulfilment in my life, i know it will be rather empty without someone to share the ups and downs with me. I know this sounds corny but i want to be with somebody. Not that i am looking or i expect anything from anyone i might be seeing now. I know if its love, there is no doubt about it.
I fell in love with someone. She rejuvenated the feelings i felt when i first ever fell in love. She made me less skeptic and she made me say those 3 sacred words to her. And then it got complicated due to outside influences and i almost begged her to leave the crowd behind and disappear with me.
But i did not. I took my leave and i walked away. Nothing changed, i just walked away hoping she might catch up sooner or later. But weeks passed and i grew to believe that i was just another, just a vision of temporary love she could forget.
To my surprise she caught up. She ridiculed me for thinking that she did not love me. And she said many many things that mirrored my thoughts about her. The feeling was amazingly mutual. And for once i got someone to love me without trying at all.
So what's wrong you might ask.
I don't believe it. Coz its good. Too good. And i've been feeling the green monster in me. And dramatically it feels like the song, No Me Ames where i am Marc Anthony.
*ahem*
And she is the high flying J.Lo, who prolly will sing the song with me for like that 5 minutes but she has alot of things to do, people to entertain and all i am is a talented singer with lyrics of a dying man who doesn't want to be loved, waiting for a second song, a different song. I find myself silently vying for her attention. Maybe i haven't loved for a while. But if this ain't love then i dunno what love is.
Ouh and how I can feel all these things that causes turmoils and collisions in my mind, heart and soul and it will all disappear when she is in front of me, what more when she smiles.
After saying so much, I have learnt that its easy for smt to change within seconds. And people sometimes forget that actions speaks louder than words. And somehow i am jinxed each time i get overly hyped on smt, it usually ends up just breaking me apart.
In conclusion, I am stronger now. Wiser maybe but still intentionally foolish. I don't want to stop believing that with every failure i am actually getting closer to the win. Some have it easy, some have it harder and some go through indescribable, unimaginable amounts of pain and what nots to get there.
Right now, i have nothing to complain about. Its all good. And i'm gonna make sure things will only get better even when life knocks me down. I won't pretend i am someone with no feelings and that its easy to be strong. I won't pretend i am not silly or stupid, and that i am not flawed. But what I will do and what i've been trying to do is to be honest with myself, and people around me.
Strangely, hideous monsters are brewing inside me waiting for me to explode. So they can come out and play. I hope i don't ever get that broken. Though these days, I am spotting a few hair line cracks.
if u read all the way here, i might mean smt to you. thanks =) and dun worry, i'm okay.
you happen for a reason, i happen to be necessary.
i am going to make me a cup of milo. and refrain from having a fag. then change and go down for a nice jog. and when i get back i will shower and have brunch. and then i will try to get some work done. and then leave for work shortly after. and that concludes my day.
that was from a me, myself and i point of view. where do you come in and make my day?
+ @ 11:56am
school called and they finally let me graduate. yay.
