you can't force smt if it is not what it is.
its so hard maybe coz its not meant to be.
and we're frustrated, well i was frustrated,
coz i tried and i keep pushing and pulling.
you were right. i might have made promises
i can only dream of keeping.
and you deserve to be happy.
and you know you can't be happy with me.
i'm sorry i said all those things.
it was in a fit of anger and exasperation.
and right now, i just want to be happy.
and i hope you get your happiness soon.
and to you who told me to fuck off.
i'm sure thats what friends do these days huh?
i need nothing. i need no one.
yes. i will fuck off. goodbye.
thought you coming back was a good thing.
the world was rooting for you.
then i see things you said i was assuming.
i wasn't. you're not stupid. i'm not too.
well maybe you are a little.
coz you're losing me.
wait, u lost me.
never ever.
going thru this again.
so accept me walking away this time.
i hope one of the many works out for you.
and i hope you learn to be happy again.
in the meantime, forget me.
because if you don't you're bound to miss me.
because you definitely did. by a heartbeat or two.
i will not be there for you.
i will not love you.
and you cannot expect anything from me.
and i am no longer that safety net you envisioned.
my final advise to you,
"Love yourself before you expect others to do it for you.
Cause no matter how hard they try it'll never be enough."
on a random more impt note,
i haven't completed my work.
i'll sleep for an hour and get up
and try to get 2 more hours of work done.
figured i'm better off focusing on work.
should have figured this out a long time ago.
this week i will work on quitting stupid.
i'm too smart to be this stupid.
is not the comfiest bed i've slept on.
but it is my bed. and i miss it today.
i've been missing it for 5 days.
i can't sleep. i can't sleep. (i can't sleep).
already i am ignoring the broken promises made.
and rejected politely the half open eye offer to share a bed.
and for some strange reason my heart is beating too hard.
like its trying to break down my ribs to jump out for dear life.
i can't wait for november to be over.
but i don't want december to come either.
can we just fast forward to january?
february will be okay as well.
i am sick. i do not feel well.
i need to be alone.
and i need to stop growing fat,
and stop trying to look like a scrawny panda.
For those who can't give a fuck.
Don't waste your time reading something you can't understand.
For those you do give a fuck.
Go check a dictionary if you don't understand or just fucking call me.
For those who are fucked.
Well if u haven't fucked my life yet, you're welcome to try.
This offer is available till end of this year.
Coz next year. I'm the one who will be fucking you.
I'm hurt.
And the pain is intense.
You're hurt too.
And that magnifies my pain.
I'm walking away.
If you know whats good for you,
catch up.
If you're fucking stupid,
slow down.
If you're worth it,
I'll wait.
Problem is, I've been waiting for a long time.
And I have ran out of patience.
And I have turned mediocre.
So pardon me while i take a step forward.
As slowly as I can.
No, as slowly as i cannot.
Because, I badly want you to catch up.
Wisen up, catch up.
i can finally say it.
and i really feel it.
no work is not bad.
work is pretty alright.
i'm getting my way around it.
i kinda like how it occupies me.
distracts me. requires me to give it my utmost attention.
i like what i am gonna wear tmr.
grey shirt i got from G2000 and my black skinnies with my fave shoe of the moment.
i've been having bad hair days since monday. but its okay.
i really like what i'm gonna wear tmr.
ya.
the wind in your hair as you serenade me with song,
i get lost in your eyes.
i like to believe they sparkle for me.
i like to believe a lot of things.
mmhmmm.
okay i shld be in dreamland by now. need to be up at 7am.
i'm kinda excited about work tomorrow. time to start afresh and make smt more of me.
well, at least be a good employee. mm. i'm wearing green tmr =)
today my failure made me learn 2 things.
firstly, that i still need to get use to failing admirably,
and secondly, there are people who want to be there for me.
so i did not celebrate halloween, but thats okay.
just because she said,
"..you are awesome, halloween or not."
failure won't get me so easily next time around.
chin up, soldier! =)
i'm just waiting for all the money to come in.
so i can pay off all the debts,
then its hello to:
1. Driving license.
2. Spanish lessons.
3. Some sort of sport/martial arts lesson.
4. Guitar/Keyboard lessons.
And i'll make time for more exhibitions.
And i'll make time for more shows and plays.
And i'll make time for more events and parties.
And i'll make time for more self-improvement.
And i'll make time for more of me.
Ouh and travel.
And volunteer work.
And pet projects.
And sitting around doing absolutely nothing.
I miss sitting on grass,
in the shade on a slightly sunny day,
laughing at the clouds.
I miss holding her hands whenever I wanted to.
I miss knowing what was definitely mine.
For all the things i miss, i'm sure i'll get it right this time.
"Happiness comes as soon as you learn to smile for yourself.. - Squid"
what is required of me?
i've said all there is to say.
how does the entire world affect you,
drastically.
and i don't make a difference to you.
and i tried. gawd, i tried.
when words and actions don't tally.
tell me how i should believe.
i was happier when my feelings were hidden.
and i loved you from afar.
judge me, i don't care.
get mad that i can't understand.
that i can't stay and that i'm not perfect.
i painted love with pretty colours,
but you could only see in black and white.
what is required of me?
nothing.
because in nothing, i give more.
the idea is to sleep before 3am and be up between 6am to 7am. I will be a morning person successfully by the end of this week.
To know you is to love you You're everywhere I go And everybody knows To love you is to be part of you I've paid for you with tears And swallowed all my pride
I'll take my chance on a beautiful stranger.
- Beautiful Stranger, Madonna.
+ @ 11:45am
i failed waking up but i did manage slping before 3am. which is not an easy thing to do, trust me.
slpy. and its raining. and all i wanna be is still. and all i wanna be is quiet.
(yawns.)
snap back to reality squid. there is so much to do.
a little boy who loved his robot toys said to the little girl who loved her dollhouse,
" I love you more than my robots."
The End.
+ @5:30pm
Damn bloody long un-poetic post for a change.
on my way to work i confronted myself. and these are the few things we spoke about.
1. i've been lethargicly restless these couple of weeks. highly distracted, and always procrastinating my chores, tasks and even things i really want to do.
why?
well, i almost procrastinated answering this question but i slapped myself silly and this is what i came up with;
I obviously have lost all sense of urgency, the enthusiasm of fulfilling my greatest ambitions and i stopped believing. I stopped believing in myself. I stopped knowing what i was capable of. I stopped imagining better tomorrows. I settled. I settled for today. I became contented in being disatisfied. I settled to be calm, at peace, and thus i lost the vigour of aggression and the passion to live for more.
i find myself literally screaming at myself daily and shutting that scream out at the same time. today it finally became too loud to shrug off. today i decided to look within and listen.
and i came up with a list of what i would like to see myself accomplish before the year ends.
a. Punctuality - new job begins nov, i'll be a 7am person. and i'll sleep early.
b. Weight Loss - haha. this is forever. but i'll get back to jogging 3 times a week and stop having suppers and unhealthy food.
c. Pet projects - i have so many ideas in my head. i just think about them. thats not enough. i'll make it a point to write them down in a book no matter how lame or absurd. And from there i'll make them happen. Small steps.
d. Money - I'm still in debt but it'll clear off soon. Now with a job i can breathe a little. Just a little, mind you. I haven't been splurging on materials or gadgets. The only thing i do find myself spending on is food, alcohol and ciggs. I've even resorted to coffeshop beer. Think i'll do just fine.
e. Lovers, family and friends - I realise i have spent my entire life putting them first, the best way i can. And through the years i find myself regretting that choice very often. In this aspect of my life, I will stick by the quote:
"Those who matter, don't mind and those who mind, don't matter."
2. This is rather general. I think i've wrote about everything in #1. But in this point i want to elaborate that i'm still searching for happiness. No doubt i am happy. I actually don't have much to fuss about lately. But there is something still bothering me.
The fact that, in search for fulfilment in my life, i know it will be rather empty without someone to share the ups and downs with me. I know this sounds corny but i want to be with somebody. Not that i am looking or i expect anything from anyone i might be seeing now. I know if its love, there is no doubt about it.
I fell in love with someone. She rejuvenated the feelings i felt when i first ever fell in love. She made me less skeptic and she made me say those 3 sacred words to her. And then it got complicated due to outside influences and i almost begged her to leave the crowd behind and disappear with me.
But i did not. I took my leave and i walked away. Nothing changed, i just walked away hoping she might catch up sooner or later. But weeks passed and i grew to believe that i was just another, just a vision of temporary love she could forget.
To my surprise she caught up. She ridiculed me for thinking that she did not love me. And she said many many things that mirrored my thoughts about her. The feeling was amazingly mutual. And for once i got someone to love me without trying at all.
So what's wrong you might ask.
I don't believe it. Coz its good. Too good. And i've been feeling the green monster in me. And dramatically it feels like the song, No Me Ames where i am Marc Anthony.
*ahem*
And she is the high flying J.Lo, who prolly will sing the song with me for like that 5 minutes but she has alot of things to do, people to entertain and all i am is a talented singer with lyrics of a dying man who doesn't want to be loved, waiting for a second song, a different song. I find myself silently vying for her attention. Maybe i haven't loved for a while. But if this ain't love then i dunno what love is.
Ouh and how I can feel all these things that causes turmoils and collisions in my mind, heart and soul and it will all disappear when she is in front of me, what more when she smiles.
After saying so much, I have learnt that its easy for smt to change within seconds. And people sometimes forget that actions speaks louder than words. And somehow i am jinxed each time i get overly hyped on smt, it usually ends up just breaking me apart.
In conclusion, I am stronger now. Wiser maybe but still intentionally foolish. I don't want to stop believing that with every failure i am actually getting closer to the win. Some have it easy, some have it harder and some go through indescribable, unimaginable amounts of pain and what nots to get there.
Right now, i have nothing to complain about. Its all good. And i'm gonna make sure things will only get better even when life knocks me down. I won't pretend i am someone with no feelings and that its easy to be strong. I won't pretend i am not silly or stupid, and that i am not flawed. But what I will do and what i've been trying to do is to be honest with myself, and people around me.
Strangely, hideous monsters are brewing inside me waiting for me to explode. So they can come out and play. I hope i don't ever get that broken. Though these days, I am spotting a few hair line cracks.
if u read all the way here, i might mean smt to you. thanks =) and dun worry, i'm okay.
you happen for a reason, i happen to be necessary.
i am going to make me a cup of milo. and refrain from having a fag. then change and go down for a nice jog. and when i get back i will shower and have brunch. and then i will try to get some work done. and then leave for work shortly after. and that concludes my day.
that was from a me, myself and i point of view. where do you come in and make my day?
+ @ 11:56am
school called and they finally let me graduate. yay.
Firstly, you are immature and complicated. don't blame me for that.
Secondly, Assumptions will only make an ass out of you and me. Talk to me. Ask me. Never assume things about me.
Lastly, I never wanted to hurt anybody, and i don't blame you for hurting me.
Seriously, This year and the last should be scrapped from my past. Kill the breeze that sends ripples across the oceans of my mind. I want peace. I need peace. Disappearing sounds really nice.
When I told you how awesome I am, I meant it. Action my dear, is deafening and screams louder than words. Watch and learn.
my late grandpa's bday. i miss him. dearly. its strange how much i do, yet i've never visited his grave. and ever since he left i cannot slp with the lights off, unless someone is there.
but i plan to visit his grave soon. i still can't believe he's gone.
Reality wants quality time with me, so i decided today i will give it some attention.
Hmm.. I love Sundays. Just because its the end of the week, and its one day before a new week. People hate mondays, i adore them.
I'm quite contented with life now. I'm working at finding a new job, paying off loans, learning new things, making new friends and finding myself.
And I am cured of that darn mild insomnia. And i've been smiling. And skipping. And looking at everything with a new perspective. Like rainbows, butterflies, clouds and skittles. (Gay, i know, but i'm gay so. 0_o)
Okay i'm beginning to sound stupid. Stupid has never felt so smart and good before.
i had an interview i had to go to at 11 this morning. which i missed.
Excuses:
Having not slept a wink, I fell aslp on my couch at 8am while i was waiting to use the showers. No one wanted to wake me up knowing how difficult it is for me to fall asleep, and how difficult it would have been for them to try to wake me up. And my brave persistent lovely awesome mom wasn't home to do the deed.
So i got up in shock and disappointment, with an after taste of remorseful surrender, swarmed with forced positive, encouraging thoughts battling against a tide of harsh, belittling self-criticism, at 10:40am. Too late.
The only thing that bothers me about missing this interview is how disappointed my mom will be. That's strange, really. I will figure out why i feel that way when i have the time.
For now,
imma make full use of the day to sleep an extra wink if its even remotely possible. And make $200. And a little bit more.
Ouh and most importantly, I have plenty of excuses to smile again.
peek by peek, you will be lifted. pull by pull, i will draw you. and when the light burns the contours of your face, bask in the fire, and be one with the flame.
loved and burnt, squid.
this year and the year before are by far the worst years i have come across. i had no idea i owed 2 years of karma. well, maybe its for hurting Estella. Right Est?
Anyway, its been fluctuating on extremes. Fast, happy, adrenaline joy and then down, down, down. Break the curse. I'll walk away a better dancer. And i want to dance to a happier beat.
Its ironic how much joy i portray and how much pain i swallow. How much i forgive and how little i forget.
On a random note, this has been annoying me a lot lately. Stop asking for my IC. Argh. I am definitely above 18. Geez.
I'm not sleepy yet. I'm going to the doctor's tomorrow. Went today but he was close. My eye is spoilt. And i need help.
I never understood the context, "numb by the pain", till now.
When the rain Is blowing in your face And the whole world Is on your case I could offer you A warm embrace To make you feel my love
When the evening shadows And the stars appear And there is no one there To dry your tears I could hold you For a million years To make you feel my love
I know you Haven't made Your mind up yet But I would never Do you wrong I've known it From the moment That we met No doubt in my mind Where you belong
I'd go hungry I'd go black and blue I'd go crawling Down the avenue No, there's nothing That I wouldn't do To make you feel my love
The storms are raging On the rolling sea And on the highway of regret Though winds of change Are throwing wild and free You ain't seen nothing Like me yet
I could make you happy Make your dreams come true Nothing that I wouldn't do Go to the ends Of the Earth for you To make you feel my love
why stop now when one more failure might make you the next winner.
"I have missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I have lost almost 300 games. On 26 occasions I have been entrusted to take the game-winning shot & missed. I have failed over & over again in my life. And that's why I succeed. - Michael Jordan"
i've said too much, i've said enough. now i need to shine. the world misses me.
like you're not allowed to wear white if you're fat. but i'm the kinda fat person who breaks the rules. i'll wear white and i'll add horizontal lines even. so despite not being allowed to feel special, i'm shining and basking in my own limelight, which i have conveniently created for myself.
just imagine, my own fans, my own parties, my own friends, my own love, my own career, everything works out on my imaginary stage.
do you deem me a sad human being? i sure hope not.
coz you'd then be one of the many, chasing "dreams" that have been carved in your heads by the wants and expectations of society. but not to worry. i am not one to judge. or have i?
you will find me blogging more often than ever. coz i've lost interest in talking to people. in fact, i've lost interest in alot of things. maybe its time to die. *this is your cue to laugh*
have a great day everyone =)
okay maybe you could deem me a sad human being. and hate me in the process, how i'd love the attention. but i beg to differ. i'm not sad, i'm special. prohibited or not.
2 red people came to my place and did a dance. it was a special kinda dance you'd have to take a second glance. now this story will not amaze you but that is the entire point. so forget the 2 red people coz i'm about to flip your coin.
wait a minute, i think i spot a dash of confusion in your eyes. and while i'm still looking, i'm gonna let myself be mesmerised. this is a pretty place, where do all the penguins live? well thank you, for the muffins and honey-glazed roast beef.
i think i lied when i said i had a story to tell, i bet you think i'm insane. well do i bore you? if i do, then you'd have to kiss me again.
P/S: I am my favourite poet. You are my favourite prose.
the embodiment of patheticness lifts me high in its fiery hands burning the lips in which i've tattooed a permanent smile.
the idea is to look into my eyes. the idea is to forget everything else.
i am blogging at random coz its freezing. and i forgot my sweater. i did. *smacks head*
i am 24 what the fuck am i doing keeps playing in my head like thriller to the endless michael jackson tributes
cold turkey. i might have to face my first cold turkey. and its not thanksgiving yet. its scary. cold cold turkey.
my hair is growing. if its growing at least grow right. no. it grows randomly. a curl here. maybe 2 curls there. i'm all curly. straight is not an option.
i think i want to be a stand up comedian. i am very sure i can make people laugh and at the same time inject some crude truth that will give them nightmares at night. go crying to their mamas and suck on their thumbs. or cut themselves and look at the edge dreamily.
if you're still reading this, you must either be bored, angry, concerned or love me. tell me. coz i'm beginning to chose which building at what time of day to jump off from.
of course i am kidding. look at me. i am all smiles.
give me some money and i will stop this. give me some love and i will marry you. give me some weed and we will get high. give me nothing and well, what can i do.
of love is one that is unconditional of giving is one that expects nothing in return of taking is one that will give twice back of saying sorry is one that does not expects forgiveness of leaving is one that never does
and in words how beautiful this all sounds. the bravest of them all need not say it twice. coz it'll show eventually.
so i'll tell the world i'm not feeling well. so i'll tell the world i'm not gonna tell. so i'll tell the world just leave me behind. so i'll tell the world i'll be just fine.
breathe in. breathe out. don't worry i'm not like them.
i dreamt i went on a holiday on my own. subsconsciously i decided to smuggle marijuana. 2 huge bags of it. which i totally forgot about. i prolly was getting high in my dream. coz when i reached the customs i got caught. but i was still too stoned to panic. they pass me the 2 huge bags, and told me to walk over to the security office. i did. but no one was there. so i threw the bags into the dustbin. and i went to the toilet. i walked out and walked towards the door. and someone came up to me and asked, "hey you forgot your passport!" and i was like thanks. where is it? and she said, ouh you can only get it in 3 weeks. and i was like okay and i left.
and i woke up from that dream. thinking how much shit i got myself into. did i get away or am i off the case? and then i realise it was just a dream.
damn i could be sentenced to death for smuggling that much.
when you have bad dreams like that, life no matter how fucked, just seems nice.
im·be·cile (mb-sl, -sl) n. 1. A stupid or silly person; a dolt. 2. A person whose mental acumen is well below par. 3. A person of moderate to severe mental retardation having a mental age of from three to seven years and generally being capable of some degree of communication and performance of simple tasks under supervision. The term belongs to a classification system no longer in use and is now considered offensive.
adj. also im·be·cil·ic (mb-slk) 1. Stupid; silly. 2. Well below par in mental acumen.
each time i look at you looking at me. my face looks like a poem dying to be read. won't you read me? won't you figure out what i mean? and at the very last line. won't you just melt? and cave. and stop. and think. and fall. so i'll catch you. no matter how frail my hands are. i'll catch you like its the only thing i've been sent here for. dreams. the only reason why i dun fall aslp easily. i hate waking up when i haven't dreamt about you. and i just hate waking up. coz in reality, you dun even noe i exist.
was reading through my blog and i came across the above. once again smt i wrote just randomly. but today i might use it. coz i like this girl. a lot.
and i am beginning to crave for her attention. i might not be great at words baby, and this might be too much to ask, but you got me wishing, if only you were all mine.
but that would be too much to ask. but its all good, coz i'm still looking.
came up with the title while i was lepak-ing in town. to non-malay readers, i'm sorry for my sudden outburst of malay in my posts. but its nothing important, just me and my two cents malay.
october is here. like finally. wee!
much to do! bye!
you're amazing.. you're awesome.. you're something else.. and you make me wanna.. and you got me.. now i'm all.. and it feels.. and its all good baby. All good.
like nothing else could happen. something else did. amazing. i wonder why. i've never asked. but now. WHY ME?
wtf have i done wrong to deserve this? ftw seriously. i'm gonna disappear.
ARGH!!
dear god, i know i've failed you on so many levels, yet i'm sure you love me coz i have not killed anyone. i just ask one thing from you this wretched morning. and thats not to ensure that i pass my project. coz at the rate i am goin i am embracing failure. but i beg you, please let her be okay. guide her with your light or whatever it is you do. i'll stay away if i'm the one causing her so much harm. just please, i want her to be okay.
your rebellious soldier, and i beg you forgive me,
gawd the nitemare. *shivers* sudah lah tu. let it go. isk isk.
can't believe i got caught up in it. dramas are not my cup of tea. i stay away as much as i can. but sometimes u get crazies around. my bad luck i guess. curse me la. say whatever you want. kan baik sangat kutuk orang gitu eh? see i have to stoop to speaking like this.
anw back to more impt things. one more project due for school. i think imma have to be up all nite. again. bleahs.
i don't believe that you guys are the least bit concerned about me. i do know however from observation that you just need to tarnish somebody constantly. so stop making yourself look good by claiming you actually wanted to save me. look, i am wise enough now (after having met you, actually) to know what is wrong. and to the rest, yes you too don't care about me or my well being or my heart. all you are trying to do is to use this as a venue to vent your past angst. haven't you hurt someone before? the only difference with her, and i must say she is still awesome btw, is that she made mistakes, and bitter tongues wag, and they blow stories out of proportions, and obviously all the stories are bitter one sided versions. you speak like you know the world. like your judgement is always right. is it?
seriously now.
she makes me feel top of the world right now. and we might get somewhere, or we might not get anywhere. but thats my own problem. and u are the last ppl i will run to. just look around you, can you trust anyone? coz i've heard things, and i've heard it from here and there. and then i turn around they say something different. backstab, scandals, jealousy, drama and more drama. before you fix one girl. why not fix yourselves.
and name calling people? on a social application like facebook. thats too low for me. may karma bite you back real hard. for all the hideousness you carry and spread.
you guys must be really something for me to want to blog about this. so take it as a backlash or try to see the good out of this.
either way. action speaks much much louder than words. she deserves my attention. deal with it.
and you.. you break my heart. but i noe you meant well. and i'm sorry.
he also said then when he turns 24 and if we're both single, he well, you know. its too absurd for me to even mention it. but i wished him good luck.
so here is the plan:
first complete my 3d animation, second complete all the transcript jobs, third find a full time job, fourth pay off all debts, fifth take up many courses, learn many things. sixth be very very happy.
i expect to achieve all this gradually by end of March 2010. it is very achievable. i know. =)
well someone said this to me. its Spanish for "Yes, sweet love." i'm a sucker for languages. (i'm a sucker for you.)
i had an awesome day out. i am reddish brown now. the sun was scorching hot. but my kite flew. it flew so high. soaring above marina barrage. and then i recalled a question asked a long time ago.
Do you want to be the kite, or the one flying the kite?
Back then i thought the answer was definitely the latter. But when i was flying the beautiful rainbow kite cass bought, the question grew deeper. And i have decided to change my answer. to one of those irritating answer but not really answer answer.
0_o
If i was the kite, I'd hope that if i fall to the ground you'd pick me up and fly me up again, higher and higher. And never let go.
And if i was flying the kite, rest assured you'd have nothing to worry about.
its kinda hard to be all positive these days tasks at hand:
1. complete re-submission of 3d project by 30th sept 2. complete 5 transcripts by 26th sept 3. find a job, a full time day job by end of oct or asap
i look like a wreck these few days. so unkempt. so unimpressive. i'm hoping that kite flying later will help. i just need to breathe and relax. the rest will follow.
anw, on a random note. i found, no, i dunno how it happened. but it looks like a good thing. i hope its a good thing. i hate to trust or lean but it feels so good doesn't it. wherever that angel was sent from, i still think, i don't deserve such a good friend. i bet she will wear off soon. but for now, thank you.
Hari raya today without my elder brother. Coz he is some fireman. and he has to work. boo that. but it went alright today. pretty good actually.
Went to my cousins place. then came back home. cousin's came over. and then some more people came.
and i ended the day lazing in front of the tv. with my family of course watching a malay comedy. much love.
tomorrow is the start of a brand new episode. lunch diet. introversion coz i need to get alot of work done. and i've been feeling rather void these days. i just need to have some alone time and i dunno. i guess its something i learn i need once in a while.
so have a great week people.
here are some of today's photos to summarise. how happy i was despite how ridiculous i look =)
Little tall brother and me.
Sis, lil'brother and me.
My cousins, sis and me.
The crazies. My little cousins. Zaedan and Shakira.
i don't know anymore. i don't need anymore. i don't want anymore. i just want to shut the world out. and no i don't feel anymore. i'm not angry, not sad, not disappointed, not lonely. its more of a physical pain, an achy feeling in my chest. i brush off almost immediately upon feeling it.
i don't try anymore. i don't feel guilty or obliged. this is not selfish. this is not selfless either. this is nothing.
i feel as though i am disappearing. its not a bad feeling. its not a good one. its absolutely nothing. zilt. nada. zero.
what i put on display is just me playing along. what i show and what i say is just me being humanly. but what i really am is something no one will ever know.
dope is dope if you think it, hope is a waste of time.
See, it doesn't hurt.
(as much.)
i have thirteen dollars and forty cents. but i know i am definitely going to survive. coz i am awesome like that. i'm not cocky. just awesome. thank you and please do come again ;)
people don't get it. this is real. that is not.
but i don't blame them. its hard to tell in this nasty place.
okay peekchers! friends with my idiotic monster doodles at breko making idiotic monster faces.
well it was a rather happy monday =) was late for everything though. bad habit. my time management sucks. put a smile on my face getting that particular text.
short, simple, sweet.
Squiggles :D
And then the silliness follows:
Me: If i was in a long queue seeing you would make my day. Her: Even if its a very, very, very long queue? Me: *nods* Me: But you'd have to be smiling. Her: I'd smile when i see you. Me: Wow. Really? Me: Then i'd forget why i was queuing in the first place. Me: Oh! Now i know why you got the job!
This one has got a special spot. This one has got a subtle grip over me. This one doesn't run around in my mind much but when she appears i'm all ears.
Easy there, soldier. Weren't you just being skeptic of falling recently? I'm not falling. I'm impressed and attracted. Falling hurts the latter doesn't.
i've been trying to go on a low carb diet for 3 days now. been eating a little bit of brown rice and mainly vegetable, meat and soupy stuff. and today will be the biggest challenge coz i'm going to MAD JACKS with dawnie. she said the cheese fries are awesome. i'll have a bit of that. just a bit. u noe. like one. two. or three. har dee har har. before that imma meet Cass whom i spent the nite rambling nonsense with. because i burn my weekends at work, i deserve a very good happy monday =)
i need to wake up early later just to get some work done. coz i noe i'll feel mad guilty not doing so. but i need to slp. so, lets all pray i get up early and DO SOME WORK!
i'm not thinking straight. u noe what i mean. everyone thinks i'm trying to be funny. but there are things i need to get done. that i am doing nothing about. because.
i dunno. thats the part i can't figure out. i use to be quite sorta organised and goal oriented. these days i procrastinate alot. and i get distracted. and i *poof!*
*pulls myself back* lets try harder. much much harder.
i'm beginning to start making nonsense make sense. i'm still feeling jumbly. yeah its fun but its not getting any work done. blah blah blah. okok bye.
i think imma quit sleeping. its so hard to fall but when i do its so hard to get up. that just don't equate to fun much. bye bye sleep. halo irritating short power naps.
alrite. imma be good and start doing my 3d animation now. and also seriously, actively and efficiently look for a job. and keep to my diet and workout routines. as well as settle my sleep debt.
i'm not ready till i say i am. the world will just have to wait.
redo my 3d animation project. mm.. i have to admit i wouldn't pass me if i were them. it was half fucked and full of mistakes. my mindset then was to get it over and done with. i didn't realise it was so obvious. so i've got till 30th sept to come up with smt better. and i already have smt in mind. we'll have to wait and see. i hope i pull thru. it looks slightly ambitious. wish me luck!
i reckon today to be a day full of jumble. what is jumble? i dunno. it sounds appropriate. so yeah. jumbly day, lets hope it means fun +)
i like what i wore to work today. and i tried to smile at someone just for the fun of it. makes life more interesting than just being dull, just to get through the day. and someone came back from vacation and bought back Krispy Kremes. they say its like the best donut ever. i beg to differ. although the flavors are more interesting. i had a cookies and cream donut. hurhur. ouh and someone else came and gave me a green tea ice cream mochi thing. damn nice. but i was fasting so i had to wait before i could eat them. then i had a double cheeseburger for dinner. tell me i am fat, i wun listen. i'm not fat, she is.
i'm gonna draw and write in my journal and then try real hard to slp. gotta go to school by 2pm tmr. and i will rmr to be calm and collected. no matter how frustrating it will get. cool is within.. *nods head*
dah lah. bye.
ps: outburst of malay words influenced by the fact that hari raya is coming and i need to practice my malay plus the transport drivers have been friendly so i've been speaking malay the best way i can. and i think its fun, funny .. it makes me luff inside.. Ssshh.. +)
i want a camera. a canon. gonna save up for one =)
mega mac spicy-ed at break fast today. yummy. yum. yum.
finally gonna watch a movie on monday. before that i hope i can go to school to settle some stuff. imma take it easy no matter what the verdict. just get it over and done with and i'm so moving on. something awful just came up with school and me. its awful to me coz i was really looking forward to graduating asap.
oh and today i was asking myself what would make me happy-er. oh how i would love to see the world. and make many friends along the way. experience foreign cultures and walks of life.
i've got a few friends who get to experience staying overseas for a long period of time. how i envy them. let it be my turn soon.
pick me up at that quiet street of muted fools. i see them talking, walking, sizing potential tools. i'll be there again tonight, and i noe i'll be wondering why. its just a waste of time and dimes, why do we even try. i mixed a beat with my feet, and i drop a few lines. i see a shine or two come my way, and thats just fine.
and the questions i've heard about a million times. if all rolled up in one, will sound like, "you're doin just fine." why don't you take my hand and show me how you do what you do, and when the light goes on, i'll pretend it wasn't you.
***
part of the rap i'm writing. dun ask me why i am writing a rap. i just felt like it. it just came out. i need to find that beats software again. i feel like how i felt when i was 17. it feels good taking 7 years off =)
i have so many things i wanna do and have to do. and i know i'm right this time.
And winkle winkle little star, how i wonder just how far you really are *_*
I skipped the interview i was supposed to go to today, coz my tummy was still churning like some war was taking place inside. but i forced myself to go to the little india heritage tour gig i got, coz i spent the whole nite researching on what to say about the places. and boy was i glad, i went.
my class, group 3 i call them, best out of the whole lot i'm sure =)
the class's drama queen who kept me entertained =)
official nametag to lead the kids. haha. squid is on it =) awesome!
the sick sweet sneezy awesome one who decided to meet me after =) much love babe!
lets take it day by day. till my feet and hands give way. i should be smiling, gets me closer to you by a day.
omg i hate being sick. and i have not eaten the whole day. coz i dunno what i cannot eat. and what i can eat is not here. and.. argh!!
beer. pizza. mcdonalds. wine.
my stomach needs to stop making noises. and i need to stop breaking out in cold sweat. thank gawd i have no work commitments later. gwanma wants me to accompany her to clinic again. 9am. gonna lie down now. dumbass. argh.
i am smelly and sweaty and achy. but strong enuf to get up and blog. lying down is really damn boring. especially when ure in pain most of the time. i had a bad case of indigestion, a swollen right eye and worst of all fever.
totally cowered at work trying to last but in the end, i told the guys i have to go home.
got home and i realised i didn't know how to be sick on my own. i was looking at medications, i tried lying down. i can't help but groan but the house was all aslp. i ate every medicine wondering which will work. clarinase did the job. made me break out in sweat like a pool. damn.
the pain is subsiding, the fever is gone. and the eye is only slightly swollen now. i never wanna fall sick ever again. that wasn't fun =(
work was okay. more food. and didn't get much frowns. ppl seem to be in better moods these days. which is awesome, thinking how i might be there more often.
anyhoo, got home, changed and went for a jog. like finally coz once its not raining. yet. gonna jog more often. really like the after jog feeling.
keeping my fingers crossed for that one chance. it might not be all good la but looks like a good step for me. so doing the right thing in the end doesn't feel all that lousy.
brand new day tmr. can't help but smile. its been good. thank you. i really appreciate it.
i was woken up by 2 phonecalls. one of a job interview which i gruntly agreed to. and another one that i sincerely rejected. the amazing fact being that the one i rejected, is still on my mind right now. it offered me a glimpse of living one of my dreams. but he called me today and i had to work at SPH. and the gig was for tonite.
i noe many would have advised me to screw that and just go for the gig. which makes me feel kinda stupid but i had to do the right thing. the right thing don't feel good at all. alot of right things these days don't. anyway, i cheered myself up by finally walking over to singapore post, and finally submitting my video for the digicon contest.
and the ppl here bought many goodies like donuts from donut factory, cakes from cedele and many more i am resisting from taking a peek. i am fasting today you see. and i've been fasting since the start of Ramadhan. its more of a spiritual thing and it bonds me closer to my family.
i am still thinking of that gig i rejected. was i stupid? did i let something great go? just let it slip away with a noble "notion" of trying to do the right thing. i dunno. but i need to keep believing that many more doors will open. and its not necessary that i shld walk into each and everyone of them.
happiness comes as soon as you learn to smile for yourself =)
and i think i'd make a good philosopher or copywriter. in my little bubble world, in my tiny lesbian head.
i need to reformat my laptop. that means i need an external hard drive about 250GB big. then i can conquer the world.
imma submit my major project video for a competition. its a short clip so i doubt i'd win or anything. but heh. i worked so hard on it. might as well right?
so yeah. just wish me luck or smt? =) i could use the prize money. lol.
people shld stop using the word emo. ffs. stop la. everything also emo. if not emo then pms. finally i met one person today. from a distance he already got me smiling. then i started laughing. the kinda laugh i have been missing. nice one =)
and for once someone is telling me that he is happy. and his life is all centered to reaching his goals. and gawd noes his goals are worthy. and yet sometimes he crumbles but today he was smiling. it was a great night out. minus the weird people around us. why are there so many weird people these days?
anw, we can do it dude! well i am very sure you can do it. as for me i am trying =) but you keep me going.
wednesday. off day. gwanma caught wind of it and insisted i accompany her to the clinic instead of my bro. how do i say no to such awesomeness? no - never came to mind. i love my gwanma =) edited my initial plans and off to the clinic we will go!
anw ytd nite at work, geez.
woman: ya i asked her to adjust the carton.. (walks over to my desk where i was adjusting another page) woman: hey didn't i tell you to adjust the carton? (i let her look at my screen, i was busy doing another page's correction, went to her page and adjusted hers for her) woman: and i told you to let this sub get the story why is another sub holding it? squid: Ya, i'm working on that. woman: next time i tell you to give it to this sub you better.. squid: i didn't send out the story, ______ did. woman: then it is your responsibility to tell him to direct it to this sub. squid: How would I know he wanted to help me send it out? It was my page I don't even know why he is on it. woman: Ya then you should have told him. squid: Alrite. woman: Its not alrite. squid: Okay, its not alrite. woman: your work is not satisfactory. squid: okay. woman: you need to pay more attention. squid: alrite. woman: no its not alrite! squid: Okay fine! its not alrite. What do you want me to do?! woman: Pay more attention! (walks away)
that was somewhat what happened. what bothered me was that i just saw the way she talked to my other colleague. all nice and a pat on the back and a thank you and a please. what do i get, always a "storm over to my table", "shakes head", frowns and on nastier days verbal comments as such.
i took a deep breath. and smiled it off. something i've been doing lately when things just seem too ridiculous.
angry and clueless people are such idiots. please just leave me alone. delusional retards. may God bless whats left of you.
oh hello. lets update update update. first of all, i managed to fast for 3 days. this is the 4th day. spiritually of course. and same reason every year, for my grandma, my life. been working much. and i started a book journal. which i find rather therapeutic. also i am reading 2 books. one for the train rides. and one when i can't sleep.
besides reading, i'm frantically on the lookout for a job. being put in a spot like this where money is the only solution.
so how have you all been? won't be seeing me in person much. but tune in. or tune out.
Here begins my interestingly mundane life.
Ouh i came up with something that sums up what i need to say.
If action speaks louder than words, I suggest you check a dictionary before you do anything else.
brought my aunt to the clinic early morning. the house was like OMG. the noise. i hate it. hate it when they argue+nag+bicker. i dun like it. especially in the morning. i value my mornings. the ones especially when i am up for. but i noe they're all just worried. my aunt has been thru so much. and we dun wanna lose her. so i took her to the clinic and along the way, i tried to talk to her nicely about taking care of herself or else she will die. and i will be very sad.
of course i said it tactfully. i can't bear to lose her.
then i had a job interview. i hope it works out somehow. keeping my fingers crossed.
went to the library, returned my books. paid a friggin amount of overdue fines. damn. well, borrowed two books. one potentially interesting, the other just as a back up in case my judgement fails me. will post it up soon.
anw, i've been feeling low and all right? i kinda know how to solve it now. so we'll wait and see. of course these kinda things take time. i'm giving myself between 10 days to a month to see a difference, or any change at all.
whilst cleaning my room, found an old drawing. and some memories that sucked.
i've got so much to clean. and its making me sneeze. found a packet of lays potato chips and some cans of tiger. got distracted for a while coz of that.
anw, back to the drawing.
you are pretty ugly.(but i loved you with all i had)
my phone is not working. i cannot send text out. i can receive texts, make calls, receive calls. just can't reply texts. so if u dun read my blog. u prolly think i am ignoring you. coz i am not the kind who calls. actually i am, but my phonebill is a bitch. now so is my phone. the internet isn't being so friendly either.
i might work at a cafe. away from computers and much technology. more faces and cups and food to serve. maybe just what i need to get my act back.
i lost my soul to a woman so heartless. okay i am kidding. but i dun feel too good. and i noe i shld feel on top of the world. but i dunno how to anymore.
gonna date ying next week. she's the only one who keeps me grounded. i hope she is still the same. everyone's changing and growing old.
ouh damn. she is gonna read this. hi ying. =( need you soon.
my colleague has a pet goose. how awesome is that?
i need to clean my room and my closet. been working for the past 3 days. off day today like finally. so imma do just that.
need to edit my resume and get a job. need to return my overdue library books. need to get a cap and clothes for interview.
want to eat ikea's meatballs and watch movies. want to sit down with friends and laugh. want to get up to date with recent events. want to do so much more. so much so much more.
i'm worried about my aunt. ever since her fall she appears more frail. she just got up in pain. my heart aches. i wish i can take care of the whole world. but i can't.
at times like this, i wish i had more faith. nonetheless, dear god please please please don't let harm near her.
idiotGuyFriendWhoLooksLikeAButchBouncer: ya idiotGuyFriendWhoLooksLikeAButchBouncer: im so slpy idiotGuyFriendWhoLooksLikeAButchBouncer: but im so bored idiotGuyFriendWhoLooksLikeAButchBouncer: i dunno what to do idiotGuyFriendWhoLooksLikeAButchBouncer: im so confused idiotGuyFriendWhoLooksLikeAButchBouncer: like a lesbian
squid: ure always slpy la
idiotGuyFriendWhoLooksLikeAButchBouncer: confused
squid: ure confused coz ure an ass la squid: dun bring lesbians down with u squid: moron
idiotGuyFriendWhoLooksLikeAButchBouncer: =( idiotGuyFriendWhoLooksLikeAButchBouncer: ur a moron
squid: hahaha
idiotGuyFriendWhoLooksLikeAButchBouncer: i'll smack ur tiny head
squid: NO URE THE MORON
idiotGuyFriendWhoLooksLikeAButchBouncer: ur tiny lesbian head
squid: muahahahaha squid: i'll smack your BIG SUSAN HEAD
we don't have to wait till then to see that we're not meant to be. you obviously proved me right time and time again.
i have this urge to completely stay away from you. the things that you do break me, and the things you don't do just drive me up the wall. and in silence, i see you glide through your gilded crowd. i want you to continue, you will do so anyway. and i wanna be forgotten, and i wanna forget you.
i wish i could tell you so many more things. but would you even give a damn. and i am beginning to resent this. i am after all just another. one.
finally, i have completed and submitted all my projects. only thing left is to present them during assessment later.
and a new life begins for me =)
something pretty amazing though, i've been awake since thursday, 2pm. today is saturday, 430am. thats like 38.5 hours.. haha!
come what may, lets do this shit right!
oh ya.. drawing exam just now. everyone noes i suck at shading but i think i did prett okay today. i kinda do better when i dun slp much. weird huh? but seriously the composition was damn difficult la. i was trembling at first coz i have not slept. and it was friggin cold. i only started with a line across the paper after half an hour. thank gawd i managed to get thru it okay.
hours before goin to school. Again. gotta be in school at 10 am. with everything completed. 2d animation looks promising in its potential of completing. website needs some sorta content now. essay needs 1000 more words. then imma fill up the portfolio. and burn them into CDs!
and we're done.
DONE!!!
imagine.. can u imagine that happening? you can't? well wait for it.
IT IS SOOOO GONNA HAPPEN. before i leave the home at 9am today. tats about 5 more hours. I AM BRILLIANT! I CAN SO F**KING DO THIS!
its thursday. i managed to bastardize my 3d animation. so we're all good. and i made my website template. so just need to input content.
only thing now is my essay and 2d animation. no idea what else to write in the essay. and i need more strength to complete the 2d animation. actually making it work and look like i spent months on it. we'll see later. right now my laptop is almost burning. i can feel it as i type. the heat will fry my fingers. gotta switch off a while.
ouh and a few hours back i broke down. thank gawd C called and made me laugh. thanks C. dunno how much time i would have wasted wallowing in self-pity. okay. imma switch off for a bit.
this is breaking my balls. it is so bad. so much so i am even contemplating the fact that i have testicles, that could break at the amount of fucked-up-ness served to me.
my 3d animation is a big FAIL in my face. i will omit it. i'd be wise to.
now just settle these:
1. website 2. 2d animation 3. 2500 word essay on major project 4. resume 5. coverletter 6. print letterhead 7. mount all print outs 8. prepare presentation slides 9. compile cds for school
all by 5pm thursday. i am too stressed. i can feel it. my brain feels tight. dunno whats squeezing it. nothing is coming out.
brainless waves of energy controlling a bulk of mass, thats what i am now.
actually by right i have to complete all my assignments in less than 36 hours. didn't slp today. went to get our stuff printed and spent a whooping $73.50. ouch. can eat grass this month. and for the next few months. become cow. then after that i went to Clementi for my long awaited hair cut. was very tempted to crop the sides like i always do. but i had to bear in mind two things. family have been requesting i keep hair for wedding. and aunt from saudi is here so must not look like a rebel.
36 hours.. to finish many things.
i wun even elaborate what they are. you're prolly gonna deem it impossible. COZ YOU'RE A MERE HUMAN!
okay.. imma try to act like i have super powers and get thru this. pass me that REDBULL. =)
i will never attempt 3d EVER! EVER!! one more error.
ah.. dun care i am goin for dinner with the family first. west coast yo! sister treating.. strange she ask us all to bring our other half. everyone is bringing theirs. i told her. i am one full person by myself. haha. sian. this year super single sia. first time i am not bringing anyone for anything. o well. not in a bad way. =)
lets wait for the good ones. i'm sure she's waiting for me too.
wtf. argh. halo. i managed to figure out the facial animation part. modeled tried and tested. very good. its the bones that is being a pain. not that life isn't painful enuf. omfg. why issit so hard? okay its not that hard since i only picked it up in less than a week. but still. its tedious like mad. stupid bones wun work well with the skin. i feel like just doing close ups of the face man. yeah maybe i should. but the face is too retarded for close ups. argh..
u noe what. fuck it. close up it is. i dun have anymore time. by tuesday i need to show him my 2d animation and 3d animation. and i have to complete my co id manual and stationaries coz we're printing early tuesday morning. wednesday will be too late!
okok.. dear all gods.. i pray to you now.. ouh nice. its raining.. i love rain..
worked on the eyes for what seemed like forever. only to realise i will just have to animate it manually. i am goin to take a break and watch NDP and Sg Idol with family now. WHEN I GET BACK, i will give that fucker Ed bones and expressions. AND we're good to go for recording the voice. Damn i wish i get that all done by tonight. Then i can animate him. And *poof* one big workload gone.
gonna lie down in front of tv now. happy national day huh?
Modelling Ed. Gonna give him eyes. Then gonna create his expressions for morphing. Then give him bones and rig and skin him. Then record the audio of him speaking. Him i mean me. Then animate accordingly. Problem is with background, and the surprise element. Dunno how to do that yet. I hope it comes to me soon. Wow. I still dare hope. Good game squid.
I need to show this to Grada on Tues. Along with my 2d animation. Where i still have quite a bit to do. And on tues we plan to get all our media printed. i have 2 days before Tuesday.
and bummer that i have no motivation to speak of to continue my work right now. went to school without sleep and seriously i know it was all half fucked. and giving time constraint as an excuse is just lame. so here i lay in all honesty. i suck. at design and whatever it is i claim to do. i just want to grad. i dunno if it is fatigue, exhaustion, exasperation and my jaded mind and soul speaking. but i really don't believe in myself anymore. i feel like i have no more face value. like all this mad rush has blanketed the passion and fun to create. i don't like this one bit and it will show. and after i grad, which i hope i eventually will i will hide away from the arts world. its embarrassing.
i have no more positivity left within me to claim that i am any better than a 4 year old. in fact i just wanna lie in my bed and cry at how miserable and ugly i am.
all this time i figured, hey.. i have nothing to lose.. when in actual fact i do. i am losing myself.
so be disappointed. so be appalled.
compliments they don't mean jack anymore. and criticisms I'm very much accustomed to.
deem me weak. i have no pride. deem me frail. i am already broken.
i got up at 3pm running late for work. checked my email and got one from my tcher partially reading:
Hi Squid, Any chance we can have a short chat tomorrow, maybe 2pm? Would just like to run through your works for Sat and Assessment.
For Sat, I will need your works for the powerpoint presentation ie Major Project, Classical Animation, Corp ID (bring your toys) and video. I assume that they are more complete than the one's before...
I am scrambling to finish my 2d by SOON. doing work at work is not easy. nah-uh.
anyway, for my sake and my work i shall not slp tonite. i'd rather zombify. its the last leg of the race. 3 more hours in the office. lets see some PROGRESS!
on a more random and light note, i miss IKEA's meatballs, chix wings and hotdogs. damn the lady with the IKEA catalogue. will go IKEA after assesment =) mmmm.. meatballs and cranberry sauce.. mmmmmm.. chocolate waffles... mmmmmmmmmm.. beer and pizza...
while i was in the library i managed to come up with 2500 words. then went to meet eliza coz she needed company. and thats that. slept the entire afternoon away and then completed the last 1000 words. then edited the photos from the shoot. best thing was, i finally had an idea for surrealism. and it took me less than 2 hours to get it together. did about 15 seconds more of the 2d animation. now i am just stoning. its 5am.
when i get up. and i hope i get up early. i hope jaimie wakes me up. i'll be meeting her at the lib. i'll do my corporate id manual. and continue it at work. i hope i complete it by then. also hoping to complete my 6 posters. which i might bring down to just 3 to 5. and when i get back i wanna write my 2500 word essay on the major project.
and then a new day! FRIDAY! which will still be filled with work.
today was tiring but productive. IT support-ed for money to buy stuff for photography. and shoot the whole day. thanks del for keeping me company =) and shuhui for being my model =)
decide to sheesha after that. was feeling super exhausted. me and shuhui were reminiscing poly days. good good days.. wanna go back to 2004.. =|
ric, ian, steve and letetia joined in. and then ian drove me home. thanks ian =)
anyway, back at my desk. so far only did 5 seconds of 2d animation. but i like how it looks. okay lets do maths..
if it took me one hour to do 5 seconds of animation. how long will it take me to do one minute?
answer: hmmm.. 60/5=12 12hours =)
not too bad. lets keep it short and sweet.
goin to lib tmr with jaimie, victor and jas.. i need to do research on my essay.. i dunno about them.. hmm.. wanna be there at 10 am.. maybe i shld slp now..
i didn't do anything today. i drew rectangles. thats abt it. i'm not even gonna use them.
anyway.
its gonna be 11 more days. and seriously, you shldn't be reading my blog. its bound to get massively hopeful, depressing, deep and dense. Yes. All at the same time.
Dance.
i just wanna dance. seriously.
okay let me put down what i need to get done in 11 days.
1. 3500 words essay for History of Electronic Arts 2. 2500 words essay for my major project, Wall.ed 3. 6 illustrations for my Corporate ID posters 4. 1 flash trailer for my Corporate ID advertisement 5. 4 good photos for Food, Glass, Portrait and Architecture 6. Surrealism project 7. 2D animation, Weemunsters 8. 3D animation, Ed 9. Interactive Website for Corporate ID 10. Portfolio Design and contents.
Most i need to complete by end of this week. If you're nice, pray for me. Or whatever you do to make wishes come true. If you're not nice, try, just try real hard not to curse me now. I will let you do bad things to me once i graduate.
I need to graduate. NEED(WANT).
ouh and i am very depressed with the way i look these days. my hair is everywhere. all over the place. you can't see my face anymore actually. and i'm growing. like a balloon. this needs to stop. gotta lose it all.
yes i am whining. but its my blog. bye.
ouh and amidst all THAT. i still have to find a job!
dun bother counting down. no i am not drunk. but my head hurts. and i am hungry. but i'm goin to slp. farewell lunch for sweet john tmr. and its francis's bday too. and i have work after that. bought a shirt. imma wear on sunday. coz sundays are smiley days.
happy bday madelyn.
ouh and helo sherms. thanks for organising the ottawa animation thing. it was awesome. more! more!!
mm.. yeah.. thats abt it. shld go slp now.
yay! after 3 days of work i get good nite out =) awesome.
getting my ass off my chair would mean risking tearing the skin off my butt cheeks.
so far i have only modeled Ed's body and head. no materials yet. so he is a purple boy with grids. i'm gonna give him some color now. hopefully he will look somewhat like a boy. else. FAIL.
its thursday already. omyfriggingawd. i've stayed home for 3 days. i tried fasting today coz my sis told me to. felt quite good not smoking like some chimney. and not snacking every 15 mins or so. goin for a jog later. coz i need to unwind.
o yeah. smt wrong with my knee. it hurts while joggin. bro said to put knee guards on. no money to buy. nvm. just run.
i wanna go back in time. i really wanna go back in time.
what i meant to really say was, i really need someone who can tolerate me right now. one who will understand and not judge me. i need someone to listen. i need someone to tell me things i can easily tell myself. in the most patient, most caring, most sincere way. i need someone who understand that i can't be strong all the time. especially now.
ying, if ure reading this. i miss you!
suddenly thought of you while i was blogging that. guess as fucked up a woman you are, you still cared the most. love you =)
i received sorta bad news earlier. totally pushed me back like nailed against the wall. in a not sex me up kinda way. and it brought me down. i took what i had for granted. i couldn't think straight. not that i can ever. but well u noe what i mean. i slept it off. the entire day. and i got up. it was still buggin me. didn't get any work done. went out for a jog instead. felt slightly better. then a friend came over. and we took a nice ride to i dunno where. stop by the side of the road for a smoke. and the stars.
i'm back. less troubled. but still am.
i need to do my work. this can't be happening now. well it is. so i need to figure out how to be okay. and move on.
on a side note. i'm tired of saying sorry. i'm tired of assuring. i'm tired of explaining myself. i'm tired of being optimistic. so judge me and leave. i dun need this. i dun need anyone. i dun need anything. so hate me.
i really dun give a flying fuck anymore. its so hard to please everyone or anyone these days.
omg omg omg. i completed my major project. COMPLETED! wooohoooo!! like gawd finally!!
on my list of incompleted are the following:
1. Corporate ID 2. 2D animation 3. Website 4. Photography 5. Essay 6. Surrealism 7. Portfolio 8. 3D animation
So actually there is nothing to be happy about. Coz i am way behind time. At least a week behind time. that is not good. not good at all. I want to complete 3D animation by Thursday if possible. VERY UNLIKELY. but i am gonna try.
i keep getting the number of days wrong. and it gets lesser each time i do a recount. well according to Victor at least its 18 days. so. have i finished my major project? NO.
i still have 200 frames. but i am having problems with the color of the last scene. still fixing it.
ouh on a random note. at 5am i drank one and a half bottle of naughty stuff with a friend. and got a sandwich from 7-11. i just love the turkey, egg, ham and cheese sandwich.
slept for 3 hours and rushed to the office. delivering 7 packets of nasi lemak from clementi. no. that is not my job scope. but o well. besides delivering nasi lemak from clementi, my other job scope is to be Eliza's shadow.
this is where i order a gun on ebay and wait impatiently for it to come and contemplate the many ways i can shoot myself.
or so as not to waste any more time i could just take the lift to the roof top and jump down.
argh!
i didn't bring my laptop adapter. after i saw it and reminded myself to not forget to pack it. i did. I FORGOT. o damn. blah blah blah. now i can't get much work done. in fact. i might not get anything done.
mm.. i'm gonna stock up on redbull and not slp tonite.
in the meantime, i'm gonna have to catch up on the tv shows i have refrained myself from watching.
20 more days! today was weird. physically i felt awful. i was hiding a potential sore eye. i had red spots on my arms. i was itching here and there. my palms were sweaty. i was bloated. my face was constantly oily. i felt suffocated. my back was aching. but everything went well today.
had a lunch meeting with teacher, sherms and indra. then spontaneously went to the peranakan museum. thanks to sherms of course. the very polite person. who says sorry and thank you to make up for everyone else. haha!
afterwhich had a drink with friends made at the museum. then rushed to work late. and work went very smooth today. and i managed to get alot of my major project done. but unfortunately, i had to go faster than that.damn. still have about 300 frames left. then i have to incorporate sound. and the title and credits.
but right now. i'm gonna have to give in to my physical woes. my body is screaming for rest.
ouh and i'm goin on a diet of some sort starting tomorrow. yeah.
i had the weirdest dream. and i will keep it in mind for the next story i write. gawd i am so morbid these days its haunting even my dreams. been having nightmares lately. all story worthy.
but i am wondering why do i dream of these things.
anw i am back from THE AWESOME HOLIDAY. now i need to get back to work. and i'm sorry everyone. i won't be available from now till 15 Aug.
goin for a farewell tonight. and then back home to get my work done. no distractions and BS. just work. anything that gets in my way. will be eliminated.
this time i really wun give a fuck. its my ass on the line.
life should never be made up of lies and pretense. but who will come and make things happen if i dun act on it first. and seriously life is too filled with shit people and contradictions. life is too filled with assholes who dun give a shit abt anything or anyone. but themselves. and gawd if my life was filled with lies and pretense. they're walking, living, breathing plastic boob jobs.
how long more do we have to play games? no. how long more do i want to be in this games?
ouh. hi i am in bintan. and i am having an awesome awesome time. company is just lovely. more company tmr. i miss meat though. and i have massive lovehandles. but i am having an awesome time. i befriended a hermit crab today. i kept it company for a while. and then my friends met a jellyfish. my friends weren't very friendly to that one.
i think when my friends get here. i'm gonna be on a constant semi-high.
i do however. can't wait to get back to spore. and i'm not gonna tell anyone why =)
things turn out better when i dun tell. things turn out better when no one knows anything. things last longer when i bubble it into my own secret world.
o dear. i am sneezing mad crazy. and its friggin humid here. but it feels cold. u noe?? haha.
i need to talk about my school experience tomorrow. i have no idea what to say yet. and i have to buy slippers for bintan. will get them at bugis village or smt. wanted to pack today. but i'll pack tmr instead. wait no. i think i'll pack today.
anyway, went to JB with Simon today. it was like an adventure! and i took some photos while we were at some village. Kampong Orang Asli ( Native People Village)
after 1554 frames i finally managed to compile a decent preview for Saturday. it looks so so. but maybe its because i see until sian already. but i think its so so. coz i let my mom, sis and bro see. and they think its okay. they gave me a pat on the head. so its okay. okay is better than. EEYER. or Huh?! So my tired brain will deal with it being just OKAY.
smt happened to me after i turned 24. on my bday i felt miserable as hell. even in good company. everything felt wrong. and then the next day. i figured what was. and it made sense. i wished it made sense earlier.
hello world. as much as i look 18/19/20/21 or 16, i am still 24 years young =)
and over the years i've gone thru quite a few things. and i think its safe for me to say that i shld noe better. but the wonderful thing about being me is that, I am too awesome to let fear, rejection, failure and shit bring me down too long. And i am not afraid. I might take a step back and hesitate. But i know me better that I will eventually go forth.
Yeah i will grow up now. Things are just gonna keep getting better and better.
My bday with Secon and Pris at Re! Hotel Restaurant and Bar (see i got sunflower)
Del's 21st Fashion Disaster party (We got her the awesome spongebob cake!)
Zena's farewell. (i gave her Rowl as a farewell present.)
Back to work update.
782 frames left!!
half more hour and its official that i have been rotoscoping for 12 hours. and i only did 287 frames because i did some twice coz the effect wasn't working. its damn tedious can?
my ass hurts. my eyes hurts. my fingers feel stiff. and i need rest. so i will rest. imma lie down. my brain cannot take it le. and my laptop can fry an egg.
the least i can say is that its more smooth sailing from here. so 700+ frames will take me prolly another day to complete.
have to go to the office later though. i'll skip lunch and do my homework then.
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