PICK UP LINES

It's time to go there. That's right. Pick up lines. We love to hear them, we claim we don't use them, but we are all a bunch of liars. Here are some pick up lines used on *me because I am one sexy beast...


Pick-up line user: Hi, may I take your order?
Me: I'll have love and a side of cuddles.

Pick-up line user: Excuse me, what's the time?
Me: It's time to buy me my next drink.

Pick-up line user: How's work?
Me: No, we can't do it here.

Pick-up line user: Did you receive my email?
Me: Yes, I would very much like a back massage.

Pick-up line user: Do you have a pen?
Me: I do... *winky face*

Pick-up line user: What TV shows do you like?
Me: The one with me and you in it.

Pick-up line user: We have a mutual friend! How do you know Tina?
Me: I see what you did there and the answer is yes.

Pick-up line user: That's $7.20.
Me: Fine! I'll give you my number. Don't you ever use tough love on me again.

Pick-up line user: You're really lame Squid.
Me: Okay, I'll go home with you tonight.


*in my awesome imagination

Disclaimer: I am no longer funny. 

NAIVE PIECE OF SQUID

I've been giving too many benefits of a doubt.
In the past, I did it because I hope that people will do the same for me.

Someone once told me that being naive is a good thing.
I have this "gift" of always seeing the good side of people, first.
And when they fuck me up, I still need more convincing that they're horrid.
That's me. Naive as fuck. VERY forgiving. I'm not proud of it.
It's a huge flaw. I want to be angry and mean too.

BUT IT'S TOO TIRING. WHERE DO YOU FIND THE ENERGY TO BE AN ASSHOLE?

Recently, after being fucked left right center, I told myself enough.
ENOUGH.

So on NYE this year, when I usually make resolutions of losing weight and saving money,
my resolution was to be more skeptic and aggressively stand up for myself.
It's fucking exhausting. I don't even hang out with people much anymore.

BECAUSE BEING SKEPTIC MAKES ME THINK THAT MOST PEOPLE ARE SELFISH AND THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT HALF OF THE TIME.

So if I'm talking to you, you don't exhaust me, much.

Worst of all is when they think they're right when they're wrong. Very wrong.
I'm not right all the time, and I know best that I'm always making mistakes and learning from them.
But the arrogance of people who constantly blame everyone else but themselves is starting to irk me.

Breathe.

Mother Theresa said:

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

If I can only be a small fingernail fraction of this. For starters, I am going to abandon my resolution of being skeptic. Please fuck me left right center, and please have a good time.

Because you don't know better.

Biggest lesson ever, if someone is capable of doing shit to others, they'll do it to you too. It's very rare they will make an exception.

Disclaimer: Blogged while feeling annoyed. Humans, some humans, whether I know them or not are still pretty cool and are constantly a source of motivation for me not to feel further annoyed. And I'm grateful for their existence.

PMS - ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT IT

I was expecting dinner on the table and my pretty girlfriend to welcome me home with her cheeky smile wearing only an apron.

Last night, I came home to a dark house with no food on the table.

She was in the room dressing up for dinner and told me to wait. I waited. She came out smiling like she won Miss Universe. I obligingly smiled back, gave a few words of polite compliments on her dress and then I frowned. Too much makeup. She knows I don't like it. 

She sulked. My heart sank. 

"I'll prepare dinner," she said.

I closed the room door and buried my head in my hands. Breathe. Smile.

My favourite dish didn't taste as good. She agreed.

"Do you want to come with me and send some dinner to my Mum?" she asked me for the third time.

I declined once again. I accused her of guilt-tripping me. I was tired and I had school work to finish up.

She muttered words under her breath, possibly trying to calm herself down and not unleash hell's fury on me. She packed her Mum's share and left the house after saying goodbye.

Sorry it didn't turn out the way you want - she whatsapped me.

I sent her an insanely long reply full of accusations and hurling the usual "you don't care", "you never listen" and "leave me alone" speech and my heart hit the bottom of the darkest ocean and died.

I woke up this morning, remembered to still be dead and went along lifelessly getting ready for work.

I saw her pack tampons into my bag. I wanted to laugh but I didn't. She was right. Smart girl.

Today I had a bowl of green salad, a celery+apple fruit juice, some cut oranges and a heavy heart for lunch.

CONFIRM PMS.

MELBOURNE TRIP

There was not a single day that I felt like a tourist in Melbourne.
Why blog about it now? Because I never expressed how much I loved it there.
Minus the wind and the hail surprise. I love it so much only because of who I was with.

David Chen, whose wedding I was attending. He gave me an excuse to go on a holiday to down under.
Thank you for the accommodation at Novotel and insisting we witness your lovely day.

Michelle Grace Yip, for being kind and awesome and sexy as I've always suspected and adored you to be. I saw Melbourne through your eyes, front seated in your cool green ride. You have no idea how grateful I am that you went all out to show us around. You my dear, are a gem. I owe you, more than one. =)

And last but not least, to my two lovely ladies, Elle and Nana. One word. Family.

Phew.. That was exhausting. I hate how words cannot justify how awesome this trip was and how lovely these people are. So I'm gonna bore entertain you with photos. Enjoy.

Note: If you scroll through all the photos, you will see dinosaurs at the end. Everyone loves dinosaurs. Everyone. Don't lie. 

Me, Elle at Changi Airport. I smoke, so this is my favourite spot.

Melbourne Airport, I smoke, so we went out of the airport asap.

Michelle kindly fetched us from the airport and brought us home. I told her she should at least feed us first before we get down to dirty business. 

Michelle brought us to Dandenong Ranges. The drive up was like the Twilight movie. I lost the rest of the photos. So go watch Twilight.

Dinner at Hipster Street. I forgot what it's called.

Gnocchi! Unf.

First group #selfie.

Nana, my sister from another mother arrives.

First stop. Nana loves pancakes you see.

Mine. I think.

At David's wedding. That is not my polaroid. But I love my gf.

I look like a short stubby giraffe beside these two.

David, the groom. Thanks for the hugeass lobster. I've never had lobster. You made a Squid lobster happy.

We took the train.

We took the bus.

We stayed at St. Kilda with strangers via AirBnb. It was awesome.

These two got picked up by these gentlemen. LOL.

That compulsory shot with the clown.

Pretty Michelle and Elle. I still choose Churros. Haha kidding. Not really. <3 p="">

Three.

It was our monthsary. We were whispering sweet nothings obviously. No, we weren't. It was cold, so we hugged to stay warm.

Sexy beasts.

Three down.

Band photoshoot.

Fish and chips by the sea.

The wind. My not-so-good friend.

I won 1000 tickets at the arcade. IT WAS AWESOME AS FUCK!

Our AirBnb hosts.

Beer tasting.

Lovely couple shot in front of pretty old building. You'd do it, if you were me.

The kind of green you don't see in SG.

Elle's favourite time during the trip. Chocolate.

Rach and Michelle lovin'.

My girl. Always losing her keys.

Compulsory shot with graffiti. Checked.

The library.

How now brown cow?

FYI, the cow did not farted.

FREAKING COOL OR WHAT?

As promised. Big dinosaur.

Small dinosaur.

Lost dinosaur. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! 

Ok you can go to Melbourne now. I know you want to.

BREAKUPS - THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE OR HURTS LIKE FUCK

My 2009 posts were mostly written around this one girl, who crushed me.
Just in case you were reading all 98 of my past posts. Thank you.
Very emo phase. Actually, I am always inclined to post like my life is one comedic tragedy.
So scrap that, emo phase forever!

No comments about the girl. I am glad she broke my heart.
I had so much fun living my life after that. IN FACT,
I always have so much fun after my breakups with not-so-nice girls.

My last break up made me a not-so-nice squid.
Not the 2009 girl. Different girl. 
That was the last straw. I felt murdered. It was a nightmare.
The pain drove me, I lost weight, I sang, I wrote, I partied, I laughed and I played.
I also fell down a hill and bruised my eye and told everyone it was a skateboarding accident.
It was 5am and I had an awesome crazy night of party and I ran down a hill. Do the math.

Looking back, breakups are not that bad after all.
Especially when it's not you, it's her.

Anyway, I'm with this little lady now... She is a cutie. Treats me like a king. 

We've been together for over a year.

This could be love. We sure hope it is. 

COLD NIGHTS - #PRAYFORMH370

I managed to half plan the next 2 months because I am about to fail a 15% assignment.

I hate failing. I need to do this right this time. I don't want to have to waste another $2k.

Anyway I cried watching this today. Watch it before I spoil it for you.

First thing out of my mouth after wiping my river of tears,

WHY DID HE KEEP IT A SECRET? 

I hope no father is doing this to his child, I mean the secret part.
The poor boy grew up so full of angst. I don't blame him for wanting to be better.
BECAUSE HE DID NOT KNOW ANY BETTER.

Okay this video is affecting me more than it should. Like the sad news of the missing flight.
I do hope and pray for good news. #PrayForMH370

THE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW

No, not really. I just really like sitting in front of a computer typing.
Fact: I haven't blogged for almost 4 years. Well tumblr doesn't count.
I am less active on tumblr now. No, don't go. Stay.

Have you ever felt like you're almost failing?
Like you've done nothing right, nothing right enough, not even close.
Yes? Well, here is a virtual hug from someone who feels the same.
I've been feeling this now way more than ever.
It's been a year of almost failing.

I like to believe that this is what successful people feel before they succeed.
I am quite the optimist. I know.

Quite the optimist. Because when I stand amongst tall people, I feel short.

I am short. I mean, I feel like I fall short.
I am also confident at the same time. I know, I'm odd. And sexy.

People around me are getting taller. That's why I like my nephews.
They're small and honest with their feelings. They're also really cute.
Sorry. Back to my point. I need to tell you this. You(s).

If your anger was a black dagger stabbed at the back of your neck,
I would understand and let you keep it there.
If your indifference was a star in the sky,
I'd make a wish on it every night for you.
If your jealousy was a white flag you're hiding at war with yourself,
I will never want you to surrender.
I won't change you for the better.
My love for you won't falter.
But I will. 

I like this feeling. It's familiar. Almost nostalgic, yet novel in some ways.
I see myself blogging often. You may go now. 

When you sit in that office cubicle, with newfound familiar faces,
when work overwhelms you, you have no capacity to think about anything else,
and then with an accidental click, you chance upon one thing that changes everything.
and the familiar faces, they fade away, and all you see is the face you no longer get to see.
the only familiar face you've been resisting, the only familiar face you want.
and then it hits you that the face is fading away in your memories.
as much as you don't want to, something within moved your fingers.
And you click on it, and you heaved a sigh of relief.

"There you are. I know you're still here."
And so you say to a picture.

psst.

I hope that when you lie, I never find out the truth.

For when you do tell the truth, I'd rather you lied.

♥

13 // 31.

Those who matter, don't mind.
Those who mind, don't matter.

Do you mind?

no wiser than the fool I was before.

Slow down, Lie down,
Remember it's just you and me.
Don't sell out, bow out,
Remember how this used to be.

I just want you closer,
Is that alright?
Baby let's get closer tonight

[chorus:]
Grant my last request,
And just let me hold you.
Don't shrug your shoulders,
Lay down beside me.
Sure I can accept that we're going nowhere,
But one last time let's go there,
Lay down beside me

Oh, I've found, that I'm bound
To wander down that one way road.
And I realise all about your lies
But I'm no wiser than the fool I was before.

I just want you closer,
Is that alright?
Baby let's get closer tonight

[chorus]

Oh, baby, baby, baby,
Tell me how can, how can this be wrong?

[chorus x2]

Yeah, lay down beside me.

One last time let's go there,
Lay down beside me

The last post; yeah i was trying too hard.

Pft.
Pucker up and shine my ass.

Lets just accept the fact that nothing is about to get any better any time soon.
And I will harbor suicidal thoughts for the next few months to come.
And I won't be able to get her off my head, my dreams, my daily slurr and what nots.
And just fucking accept the fact that I am not well.
And yes, I let this almost destroy me.
Wait, I am destroyed.
Regret? No, not really.

What am I talking about?
What exactly am I trying to put across?
I don't know anymore.

But if you put a gun to my head.
Or if the world was ending and I had an hour or so left.
Or if I drank some super drink that gave me guts.
I will fucking tell her that,

I'm sorry, when i lost you, i lost myself.

You should be with no one else but me.
And i should be all yours. Why you?
Beats me.

All I know is that, I run.
I run so far away, everyday.
Only to turn back, and I still,
every part of me still,
goes running back to you.

Fuck I am stupid.
Don't comment.
Don't.

Lets make new memories and make them dreams come true!

So I was feeling rather under the weather from Monday.
I can't believe I headed home straight from work every single day.
Was so sick but I didn't wanna take MC, work is good distraction.
Sick or not sick. And I am not confirmed yet so I don't get paid if i am not there.

Its Saturday, a rather beautiful one.
No more fever and the blasted cold.
Just a bit of a phlegm-ful cough.
But better, much better.
Something definitely to smile about.

So today I intend to pucker up and shine.
And make a total of one hundred and seventy dollars.
And run two point five kilometres.
And watch How I Met Your Mother.
And pretend I am Peter Parker.

+)

26th September 2009

I miss the girl I met on 26th September.
I miss her eyes, the way they looked at me.
I miss the way she wants to be assured that I never looked away.
I miss her laughter, her smile, her happiness.
Most importantly I miss the feeling of hope and love she instilled within me.

Now the girl is nowhere to be found, I am only surrounded by monsters.
And I have turned into one of them. Just a monster, with no jurisdiction of order.
In total chaos muffled by heavy silence, my pain is bountiful.
Mock at this melancholic tale of yet another attempt at love.

To you,
What happened to us? What happenned to you? What happened to me?
I am not sorry for what I have done. It means nothing to me.
It is nothing compared to what you have done knowingly or unknowingly to me.
However, the victim here is not me. Though I feel that it might be near impossible to recover.
One day you will find someone who will be able to love you the way you need to be love.
Right now, this definitely isn't love.
This is your delusion. My hallucination.
I will kill every love that beats in my heart for you.
Congratulations. No one have broken me so bad.
Bravo.

what a joke.

i find myself in tears.
and its getting hard to breathe.
but the lines won't stop coming.
and the acts keeps getting better.
i laugh. i laugh so hard.
my vessels burst through my knees.
i fall. i laugh even harder.
and the excruciating pain tickles my heart.
killing the beat and tearing it apart.
i roll over. my arms cradling my knees.
immersed in my own pool of blood i laugh my last.

squid.

dear you,

i wish i could be there with mcgriddles in the morning.
and fish and co at lunch. just because you deserve to be smiling your biggest today.

for what it is worth, i wish that all your wishes come true.
i wish you happiness, peace and love, the kind you deserve.
and i wish you have a better year ahead.
and i wish that you rid yourself of all the pain and hurt you've been feeling.
and i wish that you get answers to your unanswered questions.
and i wish you get everything you want eventually.

happy birthday,
love, me.

think thank thunk.

what i've learnt is that,
it makes it easier to overcome problems when you're brutally honest with yourself.


anyway, after work we had long john silvers, watched new moon,
walked from marina square to clarke quay with a drink in hand of course,
and had supper at the Burger King bar and then chilled by the river.
Best thing was we each took a Night Rider home. Cute.

Need sleep now.
Meow.

meow is cat for [insert text here] ;)

imma watch new moon tonight.
not exactly how i imagined it would be.
i was supposed to be watching it with [insert text here].
but that couldn't happen somehow.
the stars weren't aligned for us to be happier together.
i will leave it as that. strangely enough, i am happier now.
but at the same time, i don't know me anymore.
*shrugs*

looking forward to meeting norica tomorrow.
its been too long. (hello bf!)

i think i kinda fatten up over the past few months.
imma go to the gym with david on mondays and wednesdays starting next week.
ouh and imma enrol for driving classes on saturday.
ouh and i am very broke. so ya.
laptop and singtel and [insert text here] wants my money.
*sobs*

i'll get richer next year ;)

okay back to work.. have a great weekend people!

bad night.

while i was walking home, i smiled to myself.
in hand i was carrying 3 new shirts i bought.
i really like them. and i felt sharp and ready to take on the world.
i dreamt of the steps i will take and where i could be.

and then i reached home to the happy faces greeting me.
teasing me for making such a purchase after getting my first paycheck.

and then i saw a debt that amounted to a ridiculous amount.
my heart sank. i switched on my laptop and there was a loud continuous beep.
my heart sank even lower. wait a minute? what heart?
tonight i feel jinxed. tonight i struggle to fight off the monsters stealing my last breath of hope.

i'm tired. and i haven't been myself.
myself was the smiley fool walking home happily.
only to get crush by the stupidity of sick reality.

of course tmr i'll only know how to move forward.
of course tmr i'll only know how to make things better.
of course tmr i will fail to give up coz i know i can do so much more.
but tonite i falter, tonite i am not that soldier.

whatever squid.
whatever.

Amidst the cigarattes and lies, we meander in our beautifully donned masquerade disguise.

Every Sunday for a few months now I find myself in deep reflection.

Today I see a new face, a new voice, a new gaze and a clean pair of shoes.

Lets see where this novelty is headed. 

Ouh and there is nothing in place where my heart used to be. So we're all good.

the pattern.

each time i break, i come up with a brave, mature, confident, nonchalant front.

i laugh it off, shrug it off, i tell people what they wanna hear. they tell me its good i can think that way.

and then i drink. i drink everytime i can. and i sleep. and i don't dream. and i let time pass.

till i am all sober again. hoping that tomorrow would be the day i find peace with myself.

but that rarely happens. and by then something else would break me. 

thus resuming this never-ending pattern of my sick sick sick life.

one day i will have the guts to throw it all away.

one day i will leap. one day i will fly.

till then. the pattern resumes.

like it or not. i tried.

the pain.

i cannot get use to the pain.

no matter how many times i go thru stuff like this.

i am pathetic.
and i should not be here.
i am tired.
and i suck.


as secondary school as it seems,
i hate myself.


and i knew i never stopped.

forward, fast.

you should be at the starting line with me.

(yes, again.)

now where did i put that once beating heart of mine?

well its better off lost anyway.
and i don't care who stole it.

but i am interested to see who returns it back to me.

what's the hurry?

i ain't going nowhere.

yay wednesday. time will pass by speedily at work.
it always does. and my heart sometimes jump out of my shirt.
it does a little bloody dance and it comes back in.
i die a few times a day. i'm getting quite used to it.

i am very easy to destroy.
that's why i am always in my shell.

goodnight.

goodnight.

(:

=)

fatness.

So.

the plan is to jog at 11pm tonight.

and i need to get some work done.

its been hanging over me like chains.

can't wait to get it over and done with.


(someone should tell him that he is bald. pft!)

i am not a monster.

its just that sometimes people make me so angry,
i turn a different colour, a dark shade of purple and dark blue spots.
on a rough leather texture that wraps as my skin.
and horns and thorns extrude from my body,
some sharper some blunt, creating a hideous mess.
and my jaws they open up with foul ghoulish breath,
with slime filled teeth potential to tear heads off bodies in half a millisecond.
and my eyes, they are huge, they are bloodshot, and they're staring.
and my claws, yellow and chipped hanging from my limbs.
as i heaved and grunt, the anger wells up into my eyes only to form tears.
bloody diamonds flowing down my monstrous complexion.
and thats all i have. and thats all i am able to do. and thats as angry as angry gets.

i'm a useless monster.
i fail on so many levels.

=(

That I would be good.

that i would be good even if i did nothing
that i would be good even if i got the thumbs down
that i would be good if i got and stayed sick
that i would be good even if i gained ten pounds

that i would be fine even if i went bankrupt
that i would be good if i lost my hair and my youth
that i would be great if i was no longer queen
that i would be grand if i was not all knowing

that i would be loved even when i numb myself
that i would be good even when i'm overwhelmed
that i would be loved even when i was fuming
that i would be good even if i was clingy

that i would be good even if i lost sanity
that i would be good whether with or without you


Alanis Morissette.

ailments.

i woke up at 7 am with a sharp pain in my throat.
it was so painful i teared not coz i wanted to.
just because it was hitting nerves that causes tears.
okay fine, it was very painful. and i couldn't talk.
like a bad dream.

i walked around the house hoping someone could help.
i was also hoping for an instant cure, my delusional habit.
i was still sleepy so in the midst of the search i fell aslp.
got up again and the pain was raging mad, i groaned in pain.
i finally manage to get some attention and a few worried faces.
but the pain, oh gawd the pain.

due to the fact that i am fucking intelligent,
and thanks to the pain that i really didn't wanna feel anymore.
i popped 2 drowsy meds. i think it was for some other ailment.
but it brilliantly help me felt groggy the entire day.
couldn't go to work. and i slept in. till 7pm.
the pain is halved. and i am hungry.

and also, in the midst of all that pain there was a soul,
a certain individual i can't help but crave attention from.
but to no avail. and i'd say that the rejection hurts more.

"No one's there for me." she says.

And since I am no one I should start behaving like one.
I need to rethink my life. Something's amiss.

And you should listen.

lost.

there comes a point in life where you just don't know where or how the next step should be or look like.
i know i should show myself the way. i know its my life and the choices are all mine no matter what and how they are portrayed. and i know that if i don't love myself no one will. and as much as i want to tell myself everything is alright, i shouldn't believe in such a lie and face up to what's really happening and deal with it.

i haven't been talking to many people these days.
not even the close ones i used to pour my heart to.
coz these days i don't know what i'm listening to anymore.
and i can't hear myself too clearly. what am i trying to say?

listen.

idk.

maybe its how you make me smile
when you used the words fond and lazy eyes,
on the same day.

work is omfg busy.
i miss doodling.
and a lot of other things.

i guess i have to practice more patience.
my time will come.

what a beautiful wedding.

spent the weekend by helping out at my bro's wedding.

it was pretty amazing. the entire experience. 

gotta smoke and slp now. 

work tomorrow. *gulp*

i am so happy.

i took a look at the bright side and it blinded me.
so i stepped back into the dark side, and i got lost.
so i said to myself, "close your eyes and feign death."
and i did. i died. 

come what may.

you can't force smt if it is not what it is.
its so hard maybe coz its not meant to be.
and we're frustrated, well i was frustrated,
coz i tried and i keep pushing and pulling.
you were right. i might have made promises
i can only dream of keeping.
and you deserve to be happy.
and you know you can't be happy with me.
i'm sorry i said all those things.
it was in a fit of anger and exasperation.
and right now, i just want to be happy.
and i hope you get your happiness soon.

and to you who told me to fuck off.
i'm sure thats what friends do these days huh?

i need nothing. i need no one.
yes. i will fuck off. goodbye.

nothing changed.

thought you coming back was a good thing.
the world was rooting for you.
then i see things you said i was assuming.
i wasn't. you're not stupid. i'm not too.
well maybe you are a little.
coz you're losing me.
wait, u lost me.

never ever.
going thru this again.
so accept me walking away this time.
i hope one of the many works out for you.
and i hope you learn to be happy again.
in the meantime, forget me.
because if you don't you're bound to miss me.
because you definitely did. by a heartbeat or two.

i will not be there for you.
i will not love you.
and you cannot expect anything from me.
and i am no longer that safety net you envisioned.

my final advise to you,

"Love yourself before you expect others to do it for you.
Cause no matter how hard they try it'll never be enough."

on a random more impt note,
i haven't completed my work.
i'll sleep for an hour and get up
and try to get 2 more hours of work done.

figured i'm better off focusing on work.
should have figured this out a long time ago.
this week i will work on quitting stupid.
i'm too smart to be this stupid.

tsk. squid. wisen up.

my sofa bed.

is not the comfiest bed i've slept on.
but it is my bed. and i miss it today.
i've been missing it for 5 days.
i can't sleep. i can't sleep. (i can't sleep).

already i am ignoring the broken promises made.
and rejected politely the half open eye offer to share a bed.

and for some strange reason my heart is beating too hard.
like its trying to break down my ribs to jump out for dear life.

i can't wait for november to be over.
but i don't want december to come either.
can we just fast forward to january?
february will be okay as well.

i am sick. i do not feel well.
i need to be alone.
and i need to stop growing fat,
and stop trying to look like a scrawny panda.

i miss my sofa bed.
do you understand?

Hurt.

For those who can't give a fuck.
Don't waste your time reading something you can't understand.
For those you do give a fuck.
Go check a dictionary if you don't understand or just fucking call me.
For those who are fucked.
Well if u haven't fucked my life yet, you're welcome to try.

This offer is available till end of this year.
Coz next year. I'm the one who will be fucking you.

I'm hurt.
And the pain is intense.
You're hurt too.
And that magnifies my pain.

I'm walking away.
If you know whats good for you,
catch up.
If you're fucking stupid,
slow down.
If you're worth it,
I'll wait.

Problem is, I've been waiting for a long time.
And I have ran out of patience.
And I have turned mediocre.
So pardon me while i take a step forward.
As slowly as I can.
No, as slowly as i cannot.
Because, I badly want you to catch up.
Wisen up, catch up.

Don't let me walk alone.
Don't let me.

TGIF.

i can finally say it.
and i really feel it.
no work is not bad.
work is pretty alright.
i'm getting my way around it.
i kinda like how it occupies me.
distracts me. requires me to give it my utmost attention.

and then.

yeah.

pft.
.

grey like how i feel inside.

i like what i am gonna wear tmr.
grey shirt i got from G2000 and my black skinnies with my fave shoe of the moment.
i've been having bad hair days since monday. but its okay.

i really like what i'm gonna wear tmr.
ya.

the wind in your hair as you serenade me with song,
i get lost in your eyes.
i like to believe they sparkle for me.
i like to believe a lot of things.
mmhmmm.

and work is work.
work is quiet.
work is.

i have so much work to do.

kbye.

i maybe a day or two.

Friend: Why are you so indifferent these days?

Me: I give up trying to change things i have no control over.

I started as vapour and fell on you as dew.

You make me feel beautiful in the morning sun.

I fell in love with your eyes.

I fell in love with your smile.

But I am just dew. 

And as i glitter in the cold night.

I maybe a day or two.

Too soon out of sight.

squid.

psyched.

okay i shld be in dreamland by now. need to be up at 7am.
i'm kinda excited about work tomorrow. time to start afresh and make smt more of me.
well, at least be a good employee. mm. i'm wearing green tmr =)

*cross fingers*

i hope today works out okay.

weary eyes failed me.

today my failure made me learn 2 things.
firstly, that i still need to get use to failing admirably,
and secondly, there are people who want to be there for me.

so i did not celebrate halloween, but thats okay.
just because she said,

"..you are awesome, halloween or not."

failure won't get me so easily next time around.
chin up, soldier! =)

m-m-m-make me.

i'm just waiting for all the money to come in.
so i can pay off all the debts,
then its hello to:

1. Driving license.
2. Spanish lessons.
3. Some sort of sport/martial arts lesson.
4. Guitar/Keyboard lessons.

And i'll make time for more exhibitions.
And i'll make time for more shows and plays.
And i'll make time for more events and parties.
And i'll make time for more self-improvement.
And i'll make time for more of me.

Ouh and travel.
And volunteer work.
And pet projects.
And sitting around doing absolutely nothing.

I miss sitting on grass,
in the shade on a slightly sunny day,
laughing at the clouds.
I miss holding her hands whenever I wanted to.
I miss knowing what was definitely mine.
For all the things i miss, i'm sure i'll get it right this time.

"Happiness comes as soon as you learn to smile for yourself.. - Squid"

hush.

i'm not that stupid after all.
i actually have all the answers i need.

soon it'll be sorry(s) and goodbye(s).
due to circumstances and my capability,
less than two weeks before i crumble,
just like you.

secretly, i'd love to shut the world out.
secretly, i wish my heart was made of stone.

but for now. smile.
coz i still can.

Invisible, you look right through me.

what is required of me?
i've said all there is to say.
how does the entire world affect you,
drastically.
and i don't make a difference to you.
and i tried. gawd, i tried.

when words and actions don't tally.
tell me how i should believe.

i was happier when my feelings were hidden.
and i loved you from afar.

judge me, i don't care.
get mad that i can't understand.
that i can't stay and that i'm not perfect.

i painted love with pretty colours,
but you could only see in black and white.

what is required of me?
nothing.
because in nothing, i give more.

lethargic.

this very second.
i shut down.
come around.
turn me back on.

morning me today.

the idea is to sleep before 3am and be up between 6am to 7am.
I will be a morning person successfully by the end of this week.

To know you is to love you
You're everywhere I go
And everybody knows
To love you is to be part of you
I've paid for you with tears
And swallowed all my pride

I'll take my chance on a beautiful stranger.

- Beautiful Stranger, Madonna.

+ @ 11:45am

i failed waking up but i did manage slping before 3am.
which is not an easy thing to do, trust me.

slpy. and its raining.
and all i wanna be is still.
and all i wanna be is quiet.

(yawns.)

snap back to reality squid.
there is so much to do.

mmhmmm. okay.

change.

this week is all about it.
so you gotta hold on tight.

fish never tasted so good.

(maybe its just you.)

once upon a time..

a little boy who loved his robot toys
said to the little girl who loved her dollhouse,

" I love you more than my robots."

The End.

+ @5:30pm

Damn bloody long un-poetic post for a change.

on my way to work i confronted myself.
and these are the few things we spoke about.

1. i've been lethargicly restless these couple of weeks.
highly distracted,
and always procrastinating my chores,
tasks and even things i really want to do.

why?

well, i almost procrastinated answering this question
but i slapped myself silly and this is what i came up with;

I obviously have lost all sense of urgency,
the enthusiasm of fulfilling my greatest ambitions
and i stopped believing.
I stopped believing in myself.
I stopped knowing what i was capable of.
I stopped imagining better tomorrows.
I settled.
I settled for today.
I became contented in being disatisfied.
I settled to be calm, at peace,
and thus i lost the vigour of aggression
and the passion to live for more.

i find myself literally screaming at myself daily
and shutting that scream out at the same time.
today it finally became too loud to shrug off.
today i decided to look within and listen.

and i came up with a list
of what i would like to see myself accomplish
before the year ends.

a. Punctuality - new job begins nov, i'll be a 7am person. and i'll sleep early.

b. Weight Loss - haha. this is forever. but i'll get back to jogging 3 times a week and stop having suppers and unhealthy food.

c. Pet projects - i have so many ideas in my head. i just think about them. thats not enough. i'll make it a point to write them down in a book no matter how lame or absurd. And from there i'll make them happen. Small steps.

d. Money - I'm still in debt but it'll clear off soon. Now with a job i can breathe a little. Just a little, mind you. I haven't been splurging on materials or gadgets. The only thing i do find myself spending on is food, alcohol and ciggs. I've even resorted to coffeshop beer. Think i'll do just fine.

e. Lovers, family and friends - I realise i have spent my entire life putting them first, the best way i can. And through the years i find myself regretting that choice very often. In this aspect of my life, I will stick by the quote:

"Those who matter, don't mind and those who mind, don't matter."

2. This is rather general. I think i've wrote about everything in #1.
But in this point i want to elaborate that i'm still searching for happiness.
No doubt i am happy. I actually don't have much to fuss about lately.
But there is something still bothering me.

The fact that, in search for fulfilment in my life, i know it will be rather empty without someone to share the ups and downs with me. I know this sounds corny but i want to be with somebody. Not that i am looking or i expect anything from anyone i might be seeing now. I know if its love, there is no doubt about it.

I fell in love with someone.
She rejuvenated the feelings i felt when i first ever fell in love.
She made me less skeptic and she made me say those 3 sacred words to her.
And then it got complicated due to outside influences and i almost begged her to leave the crowd behind and disappear with me.

But i did not. I took my leave and i walked away.
Nothing changed, i just walked away hoping she might catch up sooner or later.
But weeks passed and i grew to believe that i was just another, just a vision of temporary love she could forget.

To my surprise she caught up. She ridiculed me for thinking that she did not love me. And she said many many things that mirrored my thoughts about her. The feeling was amazingly mutual. And for once i got someone to love me without trying at all.

So what's wrong you might ask.

I don't believe it. Coz its good.
Too good. And i've been feeling the green monster in me.
And dramatically it feels like the song, No Me Ames where i am Marc Anthony.

*ahem*

And she is the high flying J.Lo,
who prolly will sing the song with me for like that 5 minutes
but she has alot of things to do, people to entertain
and all i am is a talented singer with lyrics of a dying man
who doesn't want to be loved,
waiting for a second song, a different song.
I find myself silently vying for her attention.
Maybe i haven't loved for a while.
But if this ain't love then i dunno what love is.

Ouh and how I can feel all these things
that causes turmoils and collisions in my mind, heart and soul
and it will all disappear when she is in front of me,
what more when she smiles.

After saying so much,
I have learnt that its easy for smt to change within seconds.
And people sometimes forget that actions speaks louder than words.
And somehow i am jinxed each time i get overly hyped on smt,
it usually ends up just breaking me apart.

In conclusion, I am stronger now.
Wiser maybe but still intentionally foolish.
I don't want to stop believing that
with every failure i am actually getting closer to the win.
Some have it easy,
some have it harder
and some go through indescribable,
unimaginable amounts of pain
and what nots to get there.

Right now, i have nothing to complain about.
Its all good.
And i'm gonna make sure things will only get better even when life knocks me down.
I won't pretend i am someone with no feelings and that its easy to be strong.
I won't pretend i am not silly or stupid, and that i am not flawed.
But what I will do and what i've been trying to do is to be honest with myself,
and people around me.

Strangely, hideous monsters are brewing inside me waiting for me to explode.
So they can come out and play. I hope i don't ever get that broken.
Though these days, I am spotting a few hair line cracks.

if u read all the way here,
i might mean smt to you.
thanks =)
and dun worry, i'm okay.